Princess in Progress

Eating a whale...

2011-12-29T20:34:00.000-08:00

I was talking with someone the other day, and was reminded of a Shel Silverstein poem I memorized in 5th grade for extra credit. How do I tackle the mountain in front of me? One step at a time... How do you eat a whale? Let's ask Melinda Mae...

Melinda Mae
(Shel Silverstein)

Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.

And everyone said,"You're much too small,"
But that didn't bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a little girl should...

...and eighty-nine years later she ate that whale
Because she said she would!!!

Polka-Dot Princess

2011-11-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

She doesn’t know that she’s a princess… Wearing her tattered dress and shoes that are at least three sizes too big, she walks awkwardly in her high-heels and stumbles…catches herself…stumbles again…and keeps walking. Her tiara, obviously missing a few rhinestones, sits diagonally across her forehead amidst a tousle of disheveled curls, She looks like she’s playing dress up, but she’s definitely a princess. She just doesn’t know it…yet…

As a little girl, she never wanted to be a princess. Though she loved all things pink, spent hours playing dress up, and wore frills and lace, she wasn’t a girly-girl. She always felt awkward…out of place…Similar to Cinderella she was a ‘do-er’. She did her chores without complaint. She kept everything in order…always looking over her shoulder to see if she was being watched. She longed to be rescued…But you would never know it by looking at her or talking to her. She accepted her duties and responsibilities and dreamed what she believed were dreams for someone else.

At times she felt like Rapunzel. Locked away behind her white picket fence, she was reminded daily to trust no one. She was kept hidden, and her secrets were concealed and undetected. She thought she was happy. She believed she was safe. And her heartfelt longings to know more…to see more…to experience more…she kept stifled and suppressed…She remained invisible, undetected, and afraid.

But today, something was different. For one brief second, when she looked in the mirror she saw a princess…a real princess. In the mirror, wearing a beautiful pale pink satin dress, a perfectly placed tiara with real diamonds, and standing confidently in her glass slippers, she saw her. It was like a dream…Her heart fluttered, but she quickly stifled it…that reflection wasn’t real, and something definitely not worth hoping for…not for her, anyway.

She looked again at the reflection and was reminded of who she is and who she isn’t…teetering in her scuffed heels, fidgeting with her untidy pink and white spotted cotton dress, and readjusting the plastic tiara, she is brought swirling back to reality. Biting her nails and wiping a stray tear that slipped from her bewildered eyes, she returns to her ‘doing’ and shuts the gate to the white-picket dungeon of her heart. Here she is safe. Here is where she finds comfort. Here is where she must remain.

In her mind it’s all pretend, a fantasy she should be ashamed of hoping for…but she just doesn’t see what He sees…not yet. She IS a real princess…a polka-dot princess…

2011-10-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

God speaks to me through pictures...Whether it's a visual that pops into my head when someone else is talking or a literal picture that comes to mind when I least expect it...God has used pictures to help me clearly 'see' what He is teaching me. The most recent visual God gave me was a brick wall.

Walls are nothing new to me...I've built plenty of them in my lifetime, most of which to keep others OUT and to keep me IN. This wall was different. This brick wall was behind me, in the middle of the road, running in both directions and towards the sky as far as I could see. Just an ordinary, solid, never-ending brick wall...

At first, this picture frustrated me... Haven't I been working hard on tearing down walls in my life? Haven't I put stakes in the ground to mark the 'wins' and reclaim what the enemy has taken? After all the baby steps, giant steps, kicking and screaming...this impenetrable wall was now blocking my path?

But then God turned me around... This wall was not blocking my path towards healing and growth, it was literally marking a new starting point. The brick wall was blocking me from going backwards...Behind this wall were all of the tears and shame and hurt that I'd been working through for so long. I found myself backed up against it as far as I could...Scary to think of never going back; that's where I've found comfort...in old ways, old habits, old coping skills, old beliefs...I'll be honest, I went looking for a spoon to start scooping out the mortar and try tearing down the wall, or at least to carve out a hole so I could look back.

But God smiled down at me, and whispered He had something better...something new...something unfamiliar. He is asking me to trust...and step away from the wall...even if it's only as far as I can with one hand still on the wall. Baby steps... He's only asking for me to be willing to look ahead... And there will come a day...when another brick wall will appear to show me, once again, how much farther I've come.

Cocoon

2011-08-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

Pulls me into itself

Unfathomable change…unknown beauty awaits

Slow motion…suffocating…

Struggle…wanting in…wanting out…

Wrestling against self

Writhing

Splitting of mind, body, spirit

Every movement wreaks havoc on the whole…

Each breath stings - penetrating the lungs with new air…

Muffled screams

Flashback to old…comfortable…

Fear

Imperfection

Trust…permission for imperfection

Process

Truth

Transformation begins

Redemption…new life

An Explanation

2011-08-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Shattered…shards of broken glass

Lost…suffocating darkness

Uncertain…shadows of hidden shame

Desperate…paralyzing blindness

Confined…fortress walls of impenetrable stone

Mis-read…overlooked clues of obvious

Not heard…muted mumblings in the shadows

Silent…voiceless screams

Condemned…fatality of sins forgiven

Abandoned…prisoner of broken trust

Alone…stifling

permanent

cocoon

Still waiting for the punchline...

2011-07-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard that joke about the guy stuck on the side of a mountain who prays to God to rescue him? While he hangs there, pleading and crying out, a helicopter and a boat and a mountain rescue guy all come to save him, but he keeps saying, "No thanks. I KNOW that God is going to rescue me." It's something like that anyway... The obvious punchline being ALL those things (helicopter, boat, mountain rescue guy) WERE God trying to rescue him... I realized, late last night, that I am THAT guy...

I found myself in a familiar place...not wanting to journal, not able to enter into worship, praying for other people, not able to look in a mirror, avoiding real conversations, hiding from people who see me... Frustrated barely scratches the surface of how I've been feeling. So I came home last night, got out my journal and tried to write... The words weren't making sense, and I couldn't form a coherent sentence or thought, when a scripture popped into my head about being 'lukewarm'. This is where I landed...

Revelation 3:15-20 (The Message)

I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, 'I'm rich, I've got it made, I need nothing from anyone,' oblivious that in fact you're a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless.
Here's what I want you to do: Buy your gold from me, gold that's been through the refiner's fire. Then you'll be rich. Buy your clothes from me, clothes designed in Heaven. You've gone around half-naked long enough. And buy medicine for your eyes from me so you can see, really see.
The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they'll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!
Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I'll come right in and sit down to supper with you.

Reading these words pierced my heart... I have become lukewarm and stale. I don't want of anything from anyone...oblivious that I am a pitiful homeless beggar. I began sobbing and crying out to God, "Where are You? Why am I still sitting in this mess? Why have I not seen change in my life? Why am I not becoming the woman of God You have created me to be? Why am I so selfish? Where are You, God? Why can't I hear Your voice?"

I poured it all out...again. Begged forgiveness...again. Admitted to my hurts...again. Came out of the corner...again. Pleaded with God to continue His work in me...again. And I waited...

A picture came to me. A picture of the man from this joke who is begging God to rescue him...but can't see that God is right there in front of him, time and time and time again. And before I could argue, I saw the people in my life that God is using to speak His truth...the people He is using to show how He pursues me... the people I push away, because it doesn't look or feel the way I have imagined it. I am on that mountainside, hanging on for dear life, crying out to God to rescue me, to change me...but I'm waiting for it to happen on my terms. Ironically, I'm not sure I really know what I want it to look like exactly... The arguments in my head are usually, "Not now. Not here. I can't possibly ask him/her. He/she will think I'm stupid. That's for someone else..." And I continue waiting... I'm reminded, though, that God is standing right there... right here...waiting for me to invite Him in...waiting to give me the medicine for my eyes so I can really see...waiting for me...

Ty, the Saint Bernard

2011-05-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

Rescued...that's what Ty is. I don't know all the details surrounding his circumstance, but I do know that a friend of mine recently rescued Ty the Saint Bernard.

As we were talking about his habits, his cuteness, and his size, it became blatantly obvious how much this friend of mine LOVES her new dog. From stories of his giant paws, to his droopy-eyed look, to the pictures on her phone...this dog is adorable...and loved.

I love how God can take an everyday conversation and make a point; and in our conversation, my friend made a statement that stopped me in my tracks: "...Ty KNOWS that he has been saved..." This over-sized bundle of fluff and paws and drool and energy, KNOWS he has been saved. His once sheepish and stay-behind-til-you-call-me attitude has been overcome by unconditional acceptance, encouragement, and love. And all I could hear was God whispering to me..."Do you know that you are saved?"

Of course I know...Don't I? I mean, I know that I've repented and asked Jesus into my heart and that I'll get to spend eternity in heaven... I know that my life is a reflection of who He is, that I am called to love and serve others, and that all I need is ask and I will receive forgiveness. But do I know that I know that I know...that I am saved? Rescued? Loved? Do I run with reckless abandon into the arms of my SAVIOR? Do I allow myself to be rescued? Do I trust Him enough to accept His love and give Him mine?

Ty the Saint Bernard KNOWS that he has been saved...do you? Do I?

Psalm 18:16-24, The Message

But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

The 'right' answer...

2011-05-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

I can be so focused on finding the 'right' answer, that I miss opportunities and blessings and lessons standing right in front of me. My family has been walking through a season, like many in this economy, where there doesn't seem to be a 'right' answer; and at times, there doesn't seem to be any answer...just waiting. Recently, however, we found ourselves presented with an opportunity, a possible blessing and answer. Kinda' came out of nowhere, and on the surface 'felt' like something we should jump at. Having been burned before, my husband and I were overly-cautiously-optimistic. We became intent on seeking God's plan...His perfect will...the 'right' answer.

We agonized over this decision. We pleaded with God for a burning bush. We begged Him for a neon sign with a bright arrow pointing us in the 'right' direction. We even left ourselves open to a 2x4 smack across the forehead. All because we wanted to make the 'right' choice.

Sitting at lunch in Round Table Pizza, both of us spilling our hearts and our tears over pizza and breadsticks...it hit us. We had become so consumed with hearing God's voice and seeking His perfect plan and His perfect will in this situation that we were walking down a road of wondering if we had done something wrong...that God wasn't answering, and we were somehow being punished. Lies. The truth was maybe there wasn't a 'right' answer. Maybe God was allowing us a choice, and there wasn't a right or wrong way to move forward. We had become so focused on finding that perfect 'right' answer, that we were missing so many things around us. There were lessons we were learning along this journey; lessons on perseverance, resting and waiting on Him, trusting in Him and in others, lessons on pride and asking for help. We were surrounded by opportunities to shine God's light into areas we had kept hidden from Him. And the blessings He had given us along the way were hidden in the shadows of our doubt and fear about the next step...

Psalm 37:4-7 promises: Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him...

So, we were still before the Lord...and waited on Him. (as patiently as we could!) And we made a choice... We will never be 100% certain that it was the 'right' or 'perfect' choice, but we do hold to God's promise that if we commit our way to Him, He will meet us where we are...and walk us through... That's what faith is, anyway, right? Sometimes you have to take a step (or a leap) and wait for the fall into His arms...or the gentle nudge of His redirection...or simply, take another step...

Nothing is hidden...

2011-03-24T12:36:00.001-07:00

Hebrews 4:13, "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

This verse brings comfort to me right now...though, a few months ago, it would not have. I've opened the steel vault doors to a part of me that hasn't been opened for a very, very...VERY long time. They are just cracked open...just enough so that my hands can grip them and I can peak through, but...the doors are OPEN. And whether these doors were open or not, God would still see what was behind. His 'x-ray' laser vision penetrates even the thickest concrete walls of my heart - and He sees. And that, is comforting to me.

I'm tired of hiding...of double checking over and over to make sure those doors stay shut and locked up tight. I want God to see...even though He already does...I want to know that He sees and not pretend that He doesn't. It's time to face the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the feelings of abandonment, the betrayal, the loss, and the fear. It's time to stop pretending that none of those things exist, that none of it bothers me or affects me...because it does. Whether my coping skills are 'prettier' than someone else's or not, HE still sees them for what they are and has something better.

So, as hard as I've tried in the past to hide or cover up or simply ignore...and somehow live in the 'la-la' reality that if I don't say anything or admit to it than it can't be real...I'm proclaiming the words in Hebrews and fighting to throw open those steel and concrete walls- or at least pry them open one small inch at a time. I want to have everything laid bare before His eyes, and place it all in His healing hands. Who am I kidding by closing my eyes and pretending that I'm invisible? He sees it all anway...right?

Are You there, God? It's me...Wendy

2011-03-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Excuse me...do You have a minute? I need to ask You a question or two. I know You're very busy, especially with all the natural disasters and wars and stuff; but I could really use Your help. You see, it's been revealed to me that some of the things I have believed since I was a child may not be exactly how You intended. Core beliefs about who You are...and I'm seeking answers. No, not just answers...I'm longing for truth-YOUR truth. I'm grateful for Your word and the people You've strategically placed in my life 'for such a time as this'. I'm thankful for the circumstances of my life that You have orchestrated so that I would be where I am right at this moment. And I feel really selfish asking for more... But, God...I could really use some help right now making sense of the chaos in my head and the confusion in my heart. Can You hear me? Do You see? Are You there, God?

It's me...Wendy

2011-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

There's a scripture in 2 Timothy 3 that talks about "...weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth..." How I don't want to be a complacent or indolent woman. I don't want to be full of head knowledge and showing no fruit in my life. But I have to wonder...

All of this 'work' that I'm doing to improve myself, this journey that I'm on in search of healing... Am I only filling my head with more knowledge? With each book that I read, every Bible Study that I complete- am I just adding to my library? Or am I walking in what I have learned? Doing what I have been taught?

The classes I take and the people I learn from...Will I ever fully acknowledge the truth and accept healing? Will I enter into those dark places and admit the pain? The loss? Will I believe that the promise of redemption is for me?

I pray that I'm not just filling my head, and that heart change is on its way...

Happy Belated New Year!

2011-01-11T18:26:00.001-08:00

I've had this new post swimming in my head for several weeks now, and I'm still not quite ready to write it all down. I wanted something spectacular and super-motivating for this new year...but honestly, I'm not feeling super inspirational these days. However, I am once again choosing to live what I know...not live how I feel.

Looking back on 2010, it was a year of new truths and challenges. It was a year of baby steps and small wins. It was a year of anticipation...waiting...and change.

So...2011. What do I want for this new year? This will be a year of embracing, for me.

I will embrace the new decade I have entered with a smile (and new jeans)! Though I spent most of 2010 agonizing over my 40th birthday, I am finding freedom to be however young I choose to be regardless of the date on the calendar.
I will embrace the uncertainty of my life, and trust God's plan over ANY of my own. His plan for our family, His job/career for my husband, and His direction for our future is perfect. Period.
I will embrace the truth -His truth- and seek to live in that truth. Having lived so many years in my self-constructed 'la-la' box of my chosen reality, I will embark on a new journey in 2011 of living outside that box in God's truth.
I will embrace my feelings and give myself permission to feel what I feel (regardless of whether or not I can actually trust those feelings).

I look ahead to a year that will be full of challenges and hurdles; but I know that those challenges and hurdles will lead to big and small victories. I look forward to looking back on this year and seeing how these things I've chosen to embrace have truly changed my life, changed my family's lives, and even changed the lives of those around me. I embrace whatever it is that God has for me this year...

"Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." (Philippians 3:14, The Message)

2010-12-15T20:01:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, beginning this post, I can't seem to find a title for it. Strange for me, as I usually begin with a catchy blog title and a cute little tie-up phrase for the ending all in mind...then I type away at the middle. Not today... I'm sitting here at my computer wanting to blog and not wanting to blog all at the same time... As you can see from the date of my last post, it has been a while since I've written here; and if you want to be technical, my last post wasn't even written by me!

Life just kind of happened the week before Thanksgiving. I know, life happens everyday...but the Monday before Thanksgiving was one of those days where life happened, and I wasn't ready for it. Details don't really matter here. We ALL have life...and we ALL have those life-happenings that can rock our world...good or bad. It's what we choose to do and how we choose to be in those moments that can make or break us. And I am really being challenged today to not break.

I KNOW that God is in control. I KNOW that God loves me and delights in me and wants His best for me. I KNOW that this season will pass. I KNOW that I will come out of this on the other side...whatever that looks like. But KNOWING isn't making the ache in my chest or the knot between my shoulders go away. KNOWING isn't keeping the tears at bay. KNOWING isn't helping...today, anyway.

But I will CHOOSE... CHOOSE to give God total control. CHOOSE to trust Him, as He has proven Himself faithful over and over. CHOOSE to walk this road differently than I would have even six months ago. CHOOSE to find joy, even when the tears fall. CHOOSE to believe what I KNOW...

My Thanks

2010-11-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

This is the poem my youngest son wrote in class for Thanksgiving... I wanted to post it here as a reminder of those simple things I am most thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!!

My Thanks
By Cade Pankey

Thank You

For all my hands can hold
My trophies I have earned
My favorite book that I read
My fluffy cats that purr on me

Thank You

For all my eyes can see
For my friend that is at the door
My mom after a long day at school
My dad when he gets home from Reno

Thank You

For all my ears can ear
My friend knocking on my door
My brother speaking French
My family laughing together

Psalm 23

2010-11-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your
rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Just a phone call...

2010-11-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

This past week, I've been texting my mom to get updates on my Grandmother who hasn't been feeling well. She had gone to the ER because she had become dehydrated, but was sent home once they had her 'liquided' up and put on different pain meds for her back. With my family being 8+ hours away in my hometown of Albany, Oregon, texting has been the quickest and easiest way to get the information and updates I wanted.

The other morning, I had texted my mom to get the most recent update from my Grandmother's doctor visit, and she texted back..."IDK You could call her, though, cuz she's got the phone beside her on the couch." I read those words and almost laughed out loud (LOL) thinking, "What?" It was a totally foreign concept to me. Use the phone, which was created to have verbal conversations with people not standing next to you, and actually make a call? I've gotten to the point of texting and emailing for nearly everything. Picking up my cell phone or the phone at work and actually dialing numbers and speaking out loud to another person...that almost seems archaic to me.

But I did it anyway. I actually remembered my Grandmother's phone number from all those years ago of being a kid and calling her before riding my bike over to her house. (I did text my mom to make sure I had it right!) And she answered on the third ring...and when I told her who it was, there was this moment of shock-disbelief- and yet, total excitement at the sound of my voice. It was amazing to hear her voice, too, just like I remembered- the same voice that sang the alto part of hymns next to me in church on Sunday mornings, who used to make up crazy nicknames for me, and who always made me laugh when she talked about wanting a clematis growing on her lattice... Funny how all of that can come flooding back in a conversation about pain pills and doctor visits.

Not sure why I stopped dialing the phone... Truth is, I've probably allowed myself to believe the lie that we're all too busy to take the time to actually talk to each other, and that email and texting are much more convenient and don't intrude. But I know that my Grandmother truly appreciated my 'intrusion'...and I can't wait to call her up again and hear how much better she feels!!

Happy Birthday to MY best gift!

2010-11-09T15:22:00.001-08:00

Today is my hubby's birthday, and I've been reminiscing our life together like it's our anniversary... I'll never forget when I first 'fell' for him. We always joke that it's a 'he said, she said' kind of story because we both have very different perspectives of how 'us' came to fruition. We both agree, however, that if it wasn't for God's intricate design and planning we would've missed out- and missed each other.

Charlie is my strength. He's the one that I look to when I just don't think I can go another step. He's the one who helps me get up and dust myself off before going another round. He's the one who listens to me and waits to hear if I want him to fix or just listen. Charlie offers me encouragement when I need it most. He keeps me grounded, but also lets me soar. He's my best friend, and the person I most want to spend time with. He challenges me to be better, to try new things, and to not be afraid because it's different or new. He holds my hand, walks with me, lets me cry and scream, and loves me unconditionally. He even takes out the garbage and does dishes!

Happy Birthday, Eloise (aka Charlie)!! I love you...and am grateful for another year of YOU being in my life!

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Household chores...

2010-10-25T14:59:00.001-07:00

Today I was cleaning out my closet: packing away the sassy summer sandals, cool capris, tiny-strapped tanks, and pulling out the scrumptious sweaters, close-toed shoes, and oh-so-comfy jeans and long-sleeved tees. I do love fall. And as I do every year, I made piles of the clothes that no longer fit (thank you Jillian Michaels), the ones that are truly too worn out to last another season, and the ones that I probably should have never bought in the first place (sale or not)!! Feels good to walk into my closet, now, and see everything folded, stacked, and hung neatly ready for the new season.

As I stood there making a mental list of the staple items I need to add to the wardrobe, I had a thought... Wouldn't it be nice if we could clean up our lives like I cleaned out my closet? I so wish I could make little piles out of the messes in my life...the hurts and betrayals, the lies and deceptions, the sins that trip me up (like those sassy black sandals on their way to the consignement shop)! I could stack up the feelings of abandonment and loss in one pile, put them in an old Maurices shopping bag and take it to the Goodwill. I could put all of Satan's lies and the deceptions I have fallen for over and over again in a Trader Joe's paper bag and put it on the curb for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters truck to haul away. And those sins and 'oopsies' I fall into day after day...well, those would go into a big black garbage bag and get thrown into the trash (and hopefully end up in an incinerator somewhere)!!

Yeah, it'd be nice if it really was that easy. Neat little piles of 'yuck' taken away, hauled out of my life...for good!

Moving Furniture

2010-10-14T13:51:00.001-07:00

This past Monday I was itching for a change... I wanted to paint, redecorate, reorganize... So after cleaning out the pots and pans cupboard that I had been avoiding, I decided to rearrange the living room furniture.

My husband and I had talked a couple weekends ago about different seating arrangements in our living room, so I had some general ideas of what would (and would not) work. I quickly discovered, much to my dismay, that I would NOT be able to move the TV/entertainment center more than an inch or two...trust me when I say I REALLY tried. However, that did not dissuade this stubborn-kick-boxing-girlie to move everything else in the living room. At one point, I had everything pushed into the hallways- which gave me the perfect opportunity to vacuum and collect many scattered Nerf darts. I actually had a blast.

At one point I broke into laughter because I had literally moved my husband's chair into every possible configuration and location in the living room, only to have it end up right back where it started. The couch, too, is just a few inches off from where it began...and when I was finally satisfied with the arrangement, I laughed again... The actual configuration of the room had not changed more than a few inches here and there- I had simply put different pieces of furniture in the same comfortable locations.

Now part of that, is simply room design and TV location. I could really make some drastic changes if I wanted to crawl under my house and do some re-wiring. But I spent the rest of the afternoon pondering the 'comfortability' of my living room and the 'comfortability' of my life. How many times have I tried something new, attempted to rearrange some things (habits) in my own life...only to end up with the 'furniture' right back where it started? And how many times have I moved just a few inches to the right or to the left to find I'm exactly where God wants me? Don't really have answers...those would be rhetorical questions to ponder. I will admit, however, that I think more often than I'd like to admit...I move the chair into every other position in the room (even removing it for a time) only to find I'm sitting in the exact same comfortable and familiar spot that I started in...

Wrestling with God...

2010-10-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a good two weeks of chaos and mayhem in my brain, and there aren't any signs that it's going to slow down...at least not for a while. On the one hand, I know it's a good thing (and a God thing) to be working things out in my mind, asking questions and seeking God's answers. On the other hand, I am completely exhausted and wiped out emotionally, spiritually, and at times physically.

I was in one of my 'pouting moods' the other night, and a precious friend (tho at the time, I'm not sure I thought of her as being very 'friend-ly') not-so-gently reminded me that no one else can walk this road for me. I have to choose to step out in faith, to ask for help, to make different choices. Only I can cry out to God for what breaks my heart and sends my mind into a tizzy. Other people can walk beside me, help me pick up the pieces, encourage me, point me in the right direction...but ultimately, the choice is mine.

I'd be lying if I said the light came on, I heard the angels sing, or I immediately made a change. I did take a couple baby steps of faith and obedience over the weekend, and I'm counting those as victories. But I find myself again today, not even a week later, right back in the middle of my pity-pouty party. I'm dragging my feet, rolling my eyes, filling my life with noise and clutter so I don't have to deal. You may think I'm wrestling with God, and in a way I am; but the truth of the matter is, in order to wrestle- I'd have to step into the ring. I don't like to fight, argue, or any other form of confrontation...So stepping into a wrestling match with God is not going to be found on any of my to-do lists! But quitting doesn't feel like the right option, either. My 'coping weapon' of choice is avoidance (denial, running away, stuffing, hiding...any of those will work). I find myself caught in quite the quandry..."Should I stay or should I go" - into the ring. I'm pretty sure I know what the 'right' answer is...but for now, I've pulled the covers over my head...and I'm NOT coming out anytime soon.

Straight-jackets and knocks...

2010-09-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

I wish I could throw confetti and say, "Hooray for me!! I've discovered that gem of truth that I've been searching for!" But I cannot. The questions keep coming, and the answers are still to be discovered.

I was writing in my journal today that I'm in a straight-jacket of life right now. I'm standing in the middle of a mine-field, unsure of where to turn or take a step...so I'm not moving. There are so many overwhelming questions and cries from my heart that all of them get tangled in my throat...and I say nothing. I've been encouraged to reach out and seek others, but I've been hurt over and over and over...so I retreat.

I'm holding on to God's promises and truths; and waiting. Jesus says that He stands at the door and knocks, waiting to be invited in. I'm just waiting to hear the knock...

Just beginning...

2010-09-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
Hebrews 13:8

I love this verse, and I love this song. Lately, though, it's taking on a new meaning...and even creating a struggle. In my journey of seeking God's truth and His healing, I've come to the realization that this Jesus-who is the same yesterday, today, and forever-cannot be, for me, the same. Now before you think I've lost my mind, please let me explain. The Jesus that I serve, my Savior from when I was a child...is NOT the real Jesus. Just in the past week I have numerous ideas about Him that have been overturned and pulled out from under me; and it's a GOOD thing...it's a GOD thing. The image of Jesus that I have 'created' from years of mis-truths, mis-undertandings, mis-interpretations, and blatant lies is inherently wrong; therefore, He can't be the same because He never really was who He is. I can't go into much more detail than that right now; it's a process I'm working through, and there are people I need to talk to and lean on right now... But I would covet your prayers. I'm done trying, and I am doing. And I'm doing it afraid...

The Best

2010-08-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be" -C.S. Lewis

First, let me admit that I have not read very much C.S. Lewis (not even all of the Narnia series), and I copy and pasted this quote from a friend's Facebook post. I have nothing against C.S. Lewis. In fact, I keep thinking I should read more of his books...

Now, I'm not really sure what more I can say beyond this quote...let alone if I can fill an entire blog by reflecting on it. Suffice it to say, that these words take some of the thoughts swirling in my head and give them a voice. I know God will do His best for me... I know God has His best and most perfect plan for me... I know He is the same God today that He was for me yesterday and will be tomorrow... I know...

What I don't know is exactly how I'm going to get there...or where 'there' even is... I don't know when He will ask me to do something (maybe even something scarey), and I will have to do it afraid... I don't know who (if anyone) besides God will walk with me, push me, or carry me... I don't know the cost or the pain... And I don't know what His best will look like for me...

I agree, Mr. C.S. Lewis... I have no doubt that God will do His best... I just hope I can get out of the way, hang on, and give (no matter how much or how painful) what He calls me to so that His best will be realized in me...and all for His glory!

Proverbs 23:19

2010-08-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a weird, rough, crazy couple weeks... One minute I feel like I'm really making progress on this journey...the next, I feel like I'm drowning. I posted on Twitter the other day: "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...I really would like some dry land!" It's hard to really explain the struggles and frustrations...but suffice it to say the battle is within myself most of the time. Whether it's the battle of being good enough or not, to the fight for truth and reality in my life; the war that is raging is within myself. There have been a few moments this past week when someone outside of me has asked if I'm really okay. My first thought is, "Uh-oh...what did I do? What do they see?" Once I've taken that thought captive my thoughts turn to, "That means I'm being a little more transparent, right? This is a good thing, right?" After that, the argument begins, and I find myself at times consumed with right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or not, to call someone for counsel or not, etc, etc...until I'm too exhausted to think anymore. And I think, the not-thinking part, is a good thing.

I literally have made myself sick by over-thinking whether or not my struggle (at that moment) is worthy of seeking wise counsel. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit...but the old me still battles with the new me...and often I find myself almost paralyzed and doing nothing. This week, though, I did have a victory, and I made that call. What I expected was affirmation that what I was struggling with really wasn't that bad and didn't really require Godly counsel. (I could hear the phrase: 'Suck it up and deal with it!') What I got was affirmation that my struggle was my struggle, and it didn't matter what someone else was going through. My pain and frustration were mine...and valid. I still battled with minimizing my situation. There is a LOT of pain out there...pain I've never experienced or could imagine; pain that breaks my heart for others' lives. I was reminded that others' pain, however, does NOT negate my own pain...and that's a battle I've fought over most of my life.

I'm so thankful for Godly people in my life. People who aren't afraid to say the hard stuff, who aren't trying to get anything from me but only want what's best for me. My Godly counsel recommended I read Proverbs. I rolled my eyes and explained the book of Proverbs is often hard for me to understand, and I don't like feeling stupid. Again, I received encouragement instead of agreement, ('you are stupid')...and this is the daily verse I found in my email this morning: "My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course." Proverbs 23:19, NLT

That made me smile... Coincidence??? I think NOT!

Stupid, mud, and afternoon atheletics

2010-08-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

This blog was going to be titled, "Yes, I'm that Stupid." Then I thought about, "The Stupidest Things I've Done...Just This Week" or "Stupid is as Stupid Does." There were a few more, all with the same vibe; until, finally, I heard God's voice above the noise shout, "STOP IT!"

I wish I could tell you there was more. I wish I could say that God silenced the noise and made it all better. I wish I could say that at that moment I took all those negative thoughts and images captive and replaced them with God's promises and truth. I wish I could...but I can't.

Friday night I got lost, having misunderstood how someone had told me to get home. Sitting in the middle of nowhere (between S. Tahoe and Minden) I called my husband. Trying not to panic as a coyote walked in and out of the woods near my car, I tried to explain where I was. Now, as I think back over the incident, I see how gracious my husband was...how concerned he was about my safety (and my sanity). I can still hear the patience in his voice as he tried to figure out where I was. (Him: "Where are the mountains? Are they on your right or your left?" Me: "I am IN the mountains...they are all around me! What are you talking about?") I smile as I hear my 12 year-old talking to my hubby on the phone assuring him that I would be okay and that he would be able to console me and get me where we needed to go! I roll my eyes thinking of the panic in my voice telling my hubby there was a coyote...yes, outside my car...but have you seen the movie Cujo?! And we did make it home, a little later than anticipate, but safe. I wasn't that far off from where I should've been. Darkness, mountains, coyotes and all...it was an adventure none of us will soon forget.

There are a lot of analogies I could glean from this situation. A lot of life lessons that are represented from being lost in the mountains to someone hearing my cry for help and guiding me home. But I walked away with the realization of how stupid I am, and how much effort I put into making sure nobody knows just that! In my journal entry that evening I wrote: "I know I'm not stupid, but am actually afraid that what I think or feel or say will sound like I'm stupid...I'm exhausted fighting these thoughts, God...I need You to fight for me. I'm so tired. It'd be easier to just believe the lies and let the enemy win...I want to say leave me behind, don't fight for me, but I really want You to fight for me, to keep pursuing me."

A dear friend sent me a scripture on Saturday. Psalm 40:2, "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." I was in the muck and mire...the slimy pit of lies and deception. Today, I was reminded again about the battle we fight. Ephesians 6:12 (The Message) says: "This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish..."

So as I said earlier, I wish I could say I'm winning this fight and that it's all better. Truth is, it's not. This is war; and war isn't pretty or neatly wrapped up in a pink box with glitter and bows. (And you know I wish it was!) There are good days and bad...days where progress is made and ground is gained; and days when we must retreat and regroup. I'm hunkered down right now, replenishing my armor and letting God restore my heart. And reminding myself that I will make mistakes, make bad decisions and choices, even get lost...but I am NOT stupid! And the best news of all? We've already won the war!!

Psalm 18:24

2010-07-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes... Psalm 18:24, The Message

This has been my 'life verse' this past month...and one I am planning to cling to for a while. I've often talked about the journey I'm on here on this blog... A journey of hope, healing, and truth. Lately, God has been challenging me to face up to the truth of my past; and I've been pretty stubborn. But the words of this Psalm keep repeating over and over in my head. I need to open the book of my heart...trust Him...and allow Him to rewrite what's been broken and redeem what's been lost. I have to be honest and say I'm still praying for the 'willingness to be willing'; but I know that God is faithful, and patient. I find the lyrics to the Britt Nicole song "Feel the Light" say it best...

Today, today you wanna run away now
You break try to keep it together
Love, love is all you need
You're a queen, but you've never known it
'Cause life has come and left you blinded
Stole your smile and left you cryin'
It's not your fault, but shame is all you got now

*Your heart is tangled up in silence
It's time to let go and feel the light
I know it's easier to hide
But you gotta let go
And feel the light
Let go and feel the light*

Be brave, brave the waters all around you
I'll stay, I'll keep you from sinking down
Love, love is on your side
You're stronger than you'll ever know
So many years of quiet
Building up like a fire inside
You're feelin' like you gotta let it out now
Just let it out*

How did you get here
You're locked inside of all this fear
Inside you're crying out
Your mind's at war
Get out, get out and live for more
There's so much more
Live for more*

Broken hearted...part 2

2010-06-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Focused...that's what I've been. God put a challenge before me, and I've been working really hard at it; giving as much time and energy as I can to face those giants in my life and discover the best that God has for me. My heart has been broken these past few weeks for so many people and so many situations. At one point, I had to take a break; I had visions in my head of Jim Carey's email in-box from the movie Bruce Almighty.

But yesterday, I was asked the question, "When are you going to let your heart be broken for you? When are you going to grieve the things that you have lost?" Of course I rolled my eyes and laughed it off, but the question is really bothering me. I don't even know how I really feel about the question, let alone what I would feel about being broken over my own hurts. Truthfully, it feels selfish to whine about my life. It's much easier to empathize with others and ask God for His intervention and comfort in their lives. Unfortunately, God hasn't let this go, and now it's HIS voice I hear asking me, "When are you going to let your heart be broken for you? When are you going to grieve the things that you have lost?"

A friend of mine recently posted a fabulous blog series on her pillow fight with God, and ended the series by asking what sorts of things have we held on to and not been willing to hand over to God. As I've been pondering that question and now wrestling with these new ones from yesterday, I'm thinking there may be a pattern (you can laugh here KT)... Those things that break His heart...those things from my life that break His heart; those are the things I've got a death grip on...those are the things I won't trust anyone to hold or carry. Those are the things He is calling me to let my heart be broken over and grieve the loss of...

He promises to provide comfort. He promises to never leave. He promises that the truth will set me free. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever... Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You, have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause. As I walk from earth into...eternity.

Obedience

2010-06-14T16:35:00.001-07:00

I can't remember where I heard this, but I've been carrying this piece of paper around in my purse with these words: Obeying yourself into a crisis is glorious. Obeying yourself into a test that only God can deliver from is an amazing step of obedience...Obey beyond your alternatives.

When I wrote this down, I thought it sounded pretty cool. But as I read over these words again, I can't help but wonder if I'm truly being obedient??

If you know me at all, you know that I like things neatly packaged (preferably in pink and glitter), my ducks in a row, check marks on the to-do list...and, I like obedience for the sake of obedience. What?! I obey (and think everyone else should obey) cuz it's the right thing to do...that's how I earn my 'A'...that's how I know I'm on the right track... But is it really??

When I read these words...the obedience that he's talking about isn't simply obeying cuz it's the right thing to do. In fact, when I really dig deep into what these words say to me, it's almost like he's giving permission to get an 'F' so that God can do HIS work and bring about the 'A'. I don't always worry about the inside or what it takes to keep the outside looking pretty; my sinful nature is consumed with the final grade and what others see. How does that reflect God in my life? How does that allow others to see God working in my life if my life appears all-together?

The truth is, my obedience is superficial at times...and purely for the satisfaction of saying I didn't do it wrong. I'm not saying that God wants me to disobey. My brain has simply taken obedience to the 'nth' degree, where any waver from the very strict line I've drawn for myself is blatantly disobedient. And God is showing me that my warped version of obedience is NOT His truth... I'm not looking for a crisis; I am looking for God's best for my life. I'm looking for what God can do in my life to be glorified...and I'm taking a step of faith and obedience into seeking what that is...

Broken hearted...

2010-06-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite worship songs is "Hosanna". A few weeks ago, as I was rehearsing it, the words "break my heart for what breaks Yours" really stuck with me. I prayed a prayer that God would break my heart for the things that break His, that He would make me sensitive to the things around me, that He would take the veil from my eyes and let me see what He sees. Being on a journey of rediscovering my own feelings and emotions, I thought it might be easier to experience feelings towards others first.

After about a week, I was driving home on a grey Monday afternoon and my heart just felt heavy. I literally could feel my shoulders sagging, my head hanging, and I felt as grey as the sky. As I opened my mouth to ask God why I felt so down, He answered before I could speak. He had answered my prayer...and though I hadn't consciously seen the hurt and pain around me, He had opened my eyes; and subconsciously, I was aching inside. Throughout the week, He had shown me others' pain and brokenness; and He had revealed a small glimpse of HIS hurt over these same situations. Divorce, death, abandonment, loss, frustration, shame, lies, denial, fear... A myriad of circumstances and situations that send us running, crying, searching for answers...and He was there in it all.

I felt rather convicted because tho I had asked God to break my heart, I realized that I was still seeing and feeling through a window. I was keeping it all at arms' length, outside of me, so that it wouldn't be 'real'. I was again living in denial of truth and reality-even when I'd asked for it, and when the reality and truth weren't even my own. I cried out to God...not only to seek forgiveness, but to ask for more. I triple-dog-dared myself to go deeper... I wrote in my journal: "I can feel my heart breaking...and I know it's nothing compared to Yours. I know it's only the tip of the iceberg-and I hardly feel anything...Dare I ask for more? Dare I seek more of You? Dare I ask to see more, feel more, to let go of more? I do dare, God. I want ALL that You have for me...even when it breaks my heart..."

Ephesians 6:12

2010-05-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

I've been taught that this war we fight is not against flesh and blood...but right now, I'm in a battle with my OWN flesh and blood, and it's fierce! Now I know the enemy is right there, prowling like a lion and ready to pounce...and he's even putting fuel on the fire. But honestly, I feel like I'm fighting myself...and I'm exhausted!

One of my biggest struggles of late is giving myself a voice. Now you may say that sounds rather silly considering I'm a singer and a teacher, and really have no problem in front of a room with a microphone; but I'm not talking about that kind of voice. I'm talking about those one-on-one conversations; those face-to-face meetings where "fine" is NOT the acceptable answer. Why the struggle? Why the fierce battle? Pretty simple...the enemy wants me silent. He wants us all silent. Passivity and inaction (or no talking) are two of his best weapons. This battle in my head goes something like this: You don't want to say THAT...what will they think? What you have to say isn't that important...it's really not that great of an idea. You don't want to be a whiner...what you're going through isn't THAT bad. You need to be a good Christian role model and LISTEN to other people, be there for THEM. Even writing this blog is a challenge sometimes. Putting MY words 'out there' for other people to read... GULP!

But God has started tearing down walls and putting light on areas that He wants to see changed in me; He wants to hear my voice. He longs to hear my 'whining', my cries, my laughter, even my silly ideas and BHAGS! (Big Hairy Audacious Goals) I've always believed that God already knows my every thought, so there really is no point in putting them to words; but I've been challenged in that area...shown that God WANTS me to put my thoughts into words- even the 'icky' ones. He loves me that much...He knows me that intimately...and wants me to know HIM. So, this battle I'm fighting...it isn't against flesh and blood...even if it feels like it's a battle within myself. It is a war with the enemy of my soul...

Remember when??

2010-05-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

I remember when I could just skate by. I could give the 'pat answers' and keep everything looking okay on the outside so that it was easy to go unnoticed. I could manipulate the conversation to be about you instead of me, and make you feel connected to me, even though you really didn't know me. I remember when I thought it was so easy to keep my 'la-la' box of reality all neatly packaged with its pink and white polka-dot bow. Oh how I remember... But God wasn't content with my games, my manipulations, or my pretty pink box I called reality. He has called me out to be a new creation, yet again. Having followed Him most of my life, it feels pretty weird to be starting over. Yet, I know that there are seasons of change, seasons of growth, seasons of pain, and seasons of drought. My God is still the same as He was yesterday... today... and tomorrow; but He doesn't want ME to be the same. In my ever-pursuing heart after His, He wants me to be renewed, refreshed, and reborn. It's a daily act of putting off the old self and putting on the new. I'm thankful for a God who pursues me, even when I think I've got it all figured out, a God who isn't content with my 'pat answers', a God who cares enough about me to see beyond the manipulations and games...and to call me on it! (In all reality, I probably didn't have everybody else as fooled as I'd like to think...but many were willing to accept my brush-offs.) What God has for me is way more than I have for myself. The relationship He longs for I can't even begin to comprehend. It boils down to something I heard Miles McPherson say at THRIVE this past weekend: "Do I want all that God has for me, or just a little more?" I remember when...I would've settled for just a little more.

He KNOWS the plans...

2010-04-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been a roller-coaster of circumstances. I have been on my knees and on my face before God asking for His provision, His promise, and His perfect will. I keep reminding myself that He is the SAME God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I have filled my mind with scriptures that reveal His promises to me.

Then last week, I called my BFF in Boise who offered me another comforting reminder that I just had to write about. As we were talking about our futures and current circumstances, we quoted Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for...Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Kathy then says to me, "Yeah, it's not like God is up in heaven fretting over what you are going through! Like HE was surprised that this happened. He isn't freaking out saying, 'Oh no! Now what?!'" We both laughed hysterically because it was a hilarious visual... God pacing back and forth, biting his fingernails, searching through some manual like HE didn't know what was next... He is GOD, and He does know... He knows exactly where I am right now. He knows exactly what my circumstances are. And more importantly, He KNOWS what comes next and when. So, whenever I start to get a little worried and wonder if God is listening and sees what's going on - I just remind myself that NOTHING comes as a surprise to Him! (Thanks, Kathy!)

Thanks, God, I needed that!

2010-04-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

Cade walked into my bathroom this morning. "Mom, I've gotta tell you something about this whole daddy's job thing..."

"Okay, what?" I responded.

"Well," he pauses, "I feel really okay about it. Like my tummy isn't upset and I'm really relaxed and know that we're going to be okay. Like we aren't going to have to move or anything..."

Choking back tears I ask, "Really?"

Looking at me he asks, "Does that mean I can like tell the future if it's that sixth sense thing?"

Fighting back tears AND giggles I answer, "No, honey. That's the Holy Spirit talking to you..."

"Really???" He's excited now. "That's cool. So the Holy Spirit can kind of show me the future?"

"I guess so, in a way..." I answer cautiously.

"Awesome...Cuz I just know we're gonna be okay, and Daddy is gonna find a job where he's happy!"

I'm thankful for a God that reminds me through my kids who HE is...the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!

Elephants and poo...

2010-04-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

What a wild ride God has been taking me on. This journey began over a year and a half ago, and right now is the hardest and the best it's ever been. During this time I've blogged about suitcases and baggage and the struggles along the way. These past few weeks have been about elephants...one particularly very large elephant, and her 'poo'.

We've all heard the phrase 'the elephant in the room'. Many of us may even recall situations where we remember feeling or 'seeing' said elephant. My family has lived with an elephant since I was about 7 years old. Somehow, we have all managed to nervously pretend the creature wasn't in the room..EVER. But it's an elephant...

So, God called me to deal with this elephant in my life almost two years ago. He lovingly placed circumstances and people in my life to graciously and tenderly help me begin such a journey. And it's been a breeze!! (NOT!!!!!) But two weeks ago, I had a 'date' with God. My home was empty, and it was me, my Bible, my journal, and my Heavenly Father...and He had work for me to do. He wanted me to put words to the thoughts and feelings that I've denied myself for so many years. Through this process - actually it was more like an argument of me not wanting to say things out loud and Him telling me to - the elephant in the room was brought into the light. I was able to give her a name and not hide her in the corner. And I thought it was awesome...but there's more!!

This past week, with the help of someone precious to me who is holding my hand on this ride, God did even more. You see, I like elephants; I love elephants! I have tons of adorable stuffed ones with names like Horton, Quake, Effy, and Teensy. So as much as an 'elephant in the room' would seem awkward or bad, ironically, an elephant for me isn't. God knows me...knows my heart...knows I love elephants...and gave me an incredible picture. As I was naming the elephant and all of the 'things' I'd denied for so many years, I gave it to Jesus. He asked me to let the leash on the elephant go...to walk away and into His arms. After much struggle...I did just that. I saw my Savior, taking me into His arms...and then He had me look back at the elephant. She was beautiful...none of the 'ick' I'd named had changed her at all. But behind her, was a huge steaming pile of 'poo', elephant poo. All of the things I'd named and brought into the light and put onto (or into) that elephant were poo! Now please don't laugh...it's a big deal to me. God knew exactly what I needed to see...and He gave it to me. The elephant in the room is in the light, and all the 'stuff' she's been trying to deny and hide and carry are all a big pile of stinky steamy elephant poo! Cool, huh?!

Easter Weekend

2010-04-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Easter has always been a special time of year for me. From memories of beautiful dresses made by my mother, to Easter egg hunts with my own children - Easter is a holiday full of moments that I treasure. This year, I find that I'm asking God for something different. I'm asking that He would speak to my boys...call them both by name...Brandon....Cade...and that they would hear His voice, and know that their heavenly Father is speaking. I'm also praying for my husband. I'm asking that God would speak to Charlie in a new voice...that God would reveal His perfect mapped out plan for his life, for this season. I pray that Charlie would know God's love in a way he's never known before. I'm also praying for the children who will come to LifePoint this weekend. Asking that Easter would be an experience they won't soon forget...not just a power outage or Easter candy...I want those young boys and girls to get how much Jesus loves them, how much His death and resurrection truly cost, and how freely He gives it to them. But more than anything this year, I'm praying that I would know His love. The love I so easily teach about and give to others...the love I've never truly understood...the love that not only takes my sin, but also my shame...the love of the cross... That's what I'm praying for this Easter... How about you?

Worship with my kiddos...

2010-03-18T13:35:00.001-07:00

I love to sing... Nothing can express what I'm feeling quite like the lyrics of a song along with the notes strummed on a guitar or plunked out on a piano keyboard...add some bass and some serious pounding on a set of drums...that's the closest thing to heaven on earth for me. Or so I thought...

I'm one of those who sings ALL the time: in the line at Wal-Mart, up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart, in the dressing room of Maurices, yes-the shower, best place is my car, at church, at work, when I'm tucking in my boys...even in conversation I can jump into song. I sing when I'm supposed to, and even when I'm not. I just love to sing...

Last night, I had the ultimate privilege of leading our mid-week program kiddos in worship. I popped in the DVD and led the kids in one of their favorite up-beat-get-the-blood-flowing-aerobic-exercise songs. Too much fun, is all I'm saying. Then, I told them we were going to sing the second most requested song they ask for, "Mighty to Save". (The first most requested would be the one we already sang, "I am Free"!) Oh I love to sing the song "Mighty to Save". It's one of those songs that has perfect union of lyrics and notes that can bring me to my knees in worship to my Savior.

Last night, though, I found that I couldn't sing. As I was standing in the auditorium with all those BreakOut and KidsQuest kiddos my eyes welled up with tears, and my voice cracked...and I heard God tell me to listen. With my eyes closed and my arms lifted, I heard the most amazing and beautiful sound EVER...those 60 plus kids were singing their hearts out in praise to THEIR Savior. I could hear them over the audio in the speakers. Their hearts were crying out as they sang the most beautiful chorus to their Father in heaven. I know that God was smiling. I know that He saw every single one of those children as they sang to Him. I know He saw the beauty, the innocence, and the genuine love of those precious children. HIS precious children that He has called by name. As their voices filled that room, I was reminded how much I love those children and how much MORE He loves them. I was humbled...what a privilege I have been given to be a part of something so much bigger... God asks us to come to Him as little children... Last night was a reminder of why...

Sweet 16!

2010-03-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

This past Friday I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary to my best friend and husband!! We had a fabulous evening with dinner and a movie, and much conversation. I set the 'rules' early that as we talked about the next leg of our marriage that we not go beyond 5 years...Our oldest son enters high school next year so in 5 more years our lives will be very different, and I'm just not quite ready to think about one of my boys being in college and out on his own!

It was awesome to look back and see all that we've been through in our 16 years of marriage, and 17 years together. There were some awesome highs, and some very deep lows...and with God, we have been able to come through all of it! We talked about how we have both changed over the years...mostly for the better (ha), and how we have learned so much about each other and how to communicate. We also agree that the two boys we have been blessed to bring into this world, are the highest high of our life together! What we have learned about ourselves and each other thru THEM is mind-boggling at times! (Suffice it to say, we have a mini-me of each of us!)

I'm amazed at what God has taught me through my husband. I can't imagine my life any different. We always laugh when we talk about how God brought us together; though we know how truly divine our meeting and connecting really was. HE has been the focus of our marriage from day one; and HE is the one who will keep us together for another 16 years and beyond.

Answers...

2010-02-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

My prayer life has changed a bit lately. I'm usually quite a journaler...but have found myself praying more and more with verbal words and only jotting notes in my journal. What's amazing to me are the answers that I see or hear about almost everyday. Prayers that seem so little to me in their rank of importance, yet God takes the time to answer them. And the best part, is KNOWING that HE is the one who answered them. I've often heard that God cares about the details. Okay, fine. But even the tiny tiniest of them? I'm reminded how He knows the number of hairs on my head...that He clothes and feeds the birds... Yet, still, I find myself amazed at His response to my 'little' requests. Shocked that He heard my whispers...while knowing that He hears my cries. It's a battle inside my head and my heart...that I'm not important enough for God to take time to listen to little me. But He has shown Himself faithful over and over and over in BIG and little things, that He loves me...that He cares about me...and that He listens to me. So, thanks, God, for hearing my prayers...and for being in the details!!

Can't get too much...

2010-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

I was reading The Message today... Soaking in the book of Hebrews, yet again, and finding inspiration from some of the most faithful individuals to have ever lived. However, today, this is what I read in the introduction: We can't get too much of God, can't get too much faith and obedience, can't get too much love and worship. But religion - the well-intentioned efforts we make to 'get it all together' for God - can very well get in the way of what God is doing for us. The main and central action is everywhere and always what God has done, is doing, and will do for us...Our part in the action is the act of faith...

I have to admit that there are days I get so full of myself that I actually start to believe that I have enough of God...enough faith and obedience. And that's when I start to get in the way of His plan. I work so hard at 'getting it all together for God', that I miss the lessons He is trying to teach. I become self-absorbed 'doing' and 'being' all that I believe God wants me to- when all He really wants is me, and for me to want more of Him. He doesn't want me to be religious; He isn't waiting for me to accomplish some task that will finally prove my faith.

The intro goes on to say that we often become 'impatiently self-important' and try to improve our circumstances with our own 'two cents worth'. We add on, we supplement, we embellish. But instead of improving on the purity and simplicity of Jesus, we dilute the purity, clutter the simplicity. We become fussily religious, or anxiously religious. We get in the way.

I fight against being 'anxiously religious'. Jesus isn't complicated. His love and mercy aren't complicated. It's my worldly 'add-ons' that turn my faith and my love into something God didn't intend. It's my seeking of wordly approval, my focus on appearances, my doubts and fears, my need for acceptance and love... These are the things that take my focus away from what's good, and what's of God. I pray that I wouldn't dilute His purity, even if I don't truly comprehend it. I find comfort knowing that all He really wants of me...is me. It doesn't get much more simple than that. Give me more faith, more obedience; let me live a life full of love and worship.

I will NOT be moved...

2010-02-06T11:54:00.001-08:00

There's a Natalie Grant song with the title I Will Not Be Moved that has been one of my favs since it came out last year. The chorus goes: I will stumble. I will fall down. But I will not be moved. I will make mistakes. I will face heartache. But I will not be moved. On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand. I will not be moved...

Of late, this has been my motto: I will NOT be moved, unless it's closer to Him. It's funny how we can be so blind-sided by a situation or circumstance that it takes us off balance...which is exactly where I've been this past week. We had a 'blow' of sorts on Monday. Something we didn't see coming; and, at first, it put me off-balance for a day or two. Thankfully, my Father in heaven knew this was coming and had many other circumstances and 'coincidences' that happened those two days that I wasn't able to stay off-balance. And more importantly, I did NOT move. Now I won't say I have handled it all perfectly...there were tears; there were cries of 'why me'; there were moments of anger and bitterness and fear; there were moments of claws digging in trying to hold on and plan the outcome. But the words of this song kept playing through my mind, I will stumble. I will fall down. But I will NOT be moved...

When I turned to God's word this was the scripture I clung to: I Peter 1:6-7, "6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." Oh that my faith would be proved genuine...and the outcome from this circumstance would honor my Savior. That has become my prayer: that through this, HE would be glorified. Now I don't really like the fact that the verse has words like 'suffer', 'grief', 'trials', 'refined by fire'...those sound painful. But the promise that it would result in 'praise, glory, and honor' for my Savior Christ Jesus...THAT is what I will cling to as I stumble, fall down, make mistakes, or face heartache...I WILL NOT BE MOVED...unless it's CLOSER TO HIM!!!

Hey teach!

2010-01-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this post for a while, and am finally making myself sit down and write before I forget all about it!! I find it truly amazing how incredible our God is; and how patient He is. I think back to my days as a high school teacher and remember how frustrated I would get when my students wouldn't remember things I had taught them. I worked so hard to use multiple learning styles in my teaching...to repeat teachings in areas that were very important to remember for a test...and to make it all fun! I had to fight my own feelings of failure when a particular student simply didn't succeed because of his or her own lack of effort or desire.

I've been imagining God in His 'big classroom in the sky' and wonder if He ever shakes His head... He's given me all the study materials I could need in His word; I just have to study it. He's put 'tutors' and mentors in my life to help me learn through different people and styles; I just have to make the effort to listen and follow. He also 'teaches' me by speaking truth into my life, whether through other people or His word or even His Spirit stirring my heart; I just have to listen. God isn't that profressor that sits behind a desk all day and expects me to just get it... His 'office' is open all hours; His word is always available; there are people in my life He has placed there to teach me; and the life that happens around me He is a part of...

I've put myself in the front row...listening, reading, diving in hands-on, working co-operatively when necessary and independently when not. There isn't some 'A' I have to earn or perfect GPA. My God doesn't shake His head when I don't quite get it. He gently takes my hand and re-teaches, over and over and over...and over. He's the most patient teacher ever! And what I see as 'failures', He takes and can make good out of those, too! How overwhelmingly awesome!!

It's the little things...like big brothers!

2010-01-22T18:38:00.001-08:00

I am a first-born daughter with a younger sister. That's it- just the two of us. From as far back as I can remember, though, I've wanted a big brother, or at least my interpretation of a big brother! Someone who, first off, was a guy: less drama, get-ter done type. A brother who would stick up for me, encourage me, give me the 'he' side of the story, and would just be there for me. Being first born, that was never going to happen...but a girl can dream, right?

Fast forward to today: married 15 years, two boys of my own and we move to Nevada. Little did I know that God had heard that prayer of a young girl and was waiting until now to answer it. How??? In the only way that God could... No, there wasn't some strange random adoption. God placed in my life a 'brother' who is more than I ever asked for...just like God does! This brother is a man of God; a mentor to me and my family; a friend to my husband; a man that my boys look up to. He's compassionate, honest (even if it hurts), trustworthy, humble, God-seeking and God-fearing. His family is precious to me...

Why this blubbering on and on? Well, God used my brother today... I said a prayer several months ago when I felt a stirring in my heart, kind of a question-prayer not so much an asking- for-something-prayer. A prayer that I left at the foot of the cross and didn't pick back up again. A prayer that I was truly waiting on God to answer. And today, my brother was God's voice to answer that prayer. (Did I mention that my bro is a great listener?) My brother listened to me, and heard my heart. I don't know if he knew that God was using him to speak to my heart today, but that's the kind of brother he is- willing to yield to what God asks of him without question or hesitation. You can't ask for much more than that. Yeah, I'll always be the oldest sister in my family, but in God's family I have the BEST big brother!! Thanks, bro! (you know who you are!)

He will make my path straight...

2010-01-20T16:55:00.000-08:00

I was reminded last night of one of my favorite verses in Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Now, one of the reasons I love this verse is because I taught it as a song at a Vacation Bible School and have really cool motions that help me remember it. Ask me, and I'll show you!! The biggest reasons I love this verse, though, are what this verse says AND what it doesn't say. Trust in the LORD with ALL my heart, not relying on my human understanding. Easier said than done, but how much simpler life is when I follow this direction. When I truly trust HIM and not try to wrap my little brain around ALL the workings HE has control of...when I don't need answers to my questions of 'why'...when I stop and let Him work in His perfect will and perfect timing... Then it becomes way easier to acknowledge Him in everything I do, everything I see, everything He has blessed me with...even everything that's difficult to walk through. And the final phrase of the verse says He will make my path straight... Notice what it doesn't say... It doesn't say He will make my path easy or trouble-free...He will make it straight!! When I am walking in HIS perfect will...when I am trusting HIM with all of my heart...when I am worshiping HIM with all of my life...when I am giving HIM all of the glory and praise for every circumstance...THEN He will make my path straight...even if He has to help carry me through it.

Bumps in the road...

2010-01-15T15:34:00.000-08:00

I'm in a funk. It's been a week of interesting 'news' of sorts. Things I can't stress over or worry about or even attempt to control. I guess I'm okay with that, even if I don't understand. But all week as I've been crying and praying and journaling and singing all I keep thinking about is how do people without a Savior get through the bumps in the road?? Who do they turn to? Whose arms do they run to when all their friends and family are preoccupied? How do they unload their burdens and hurts? I am so thankful for my heavenly Father who catches my tears. A Father who listens to my moanings when I can't find words and understands exactly what I'm feeling. A Father who lets me rant and rave about life being unfair and simply loves me through it. A Father who will wrap His arms around me and let me weep until no more tears will fall, or will even let me sit in silence and simply offer His peace in return. I have His words, countless scriptures, to bring me comfort, too. Without Him, walking beside me , sitting with me, and even carrying me at times, I don't know how could I function...in the good times or the bumps in the road.

Less opaque

2010-01-10T15:28:00.001-08:00

I hear people all the time talking about being more transparent... I've been thinking a lot about this for one reason or another and have some random thoughts... For me, the thought of being transparent can mean one of two things- neither one being good.
First, being transparent could translate into being invisible. If people can see right through me, that would make me invisible, right? Now, at first, this might sound like a good idea - even a really great idea in some situations- but I think it would get really old. In fact, I know it would. There have been times when I have felt invisible, and in my head could hear myself screaming, "Look at me!! Look at me!!"
Now on the flip side of this whole transparency thing, I think about being 'see-through'. People could see me, but only kinda-sorta. This makes me think of all the times I've tried to be something to please someone else, whether it's who I really am or not. What is seen by others isn't totally clear...and my attempt at 'pleasing' may fall short and seem 'transparent'.
The conclusion I have come to, for myself, is that I want to be less opaque. I'm a pro at keeping the outside looking good and keeping the inside all locked up tight, but that's not who God wants me to be. Having real and authentic relationships, whether with my heavenly Father or with others, demands a level of initmacy only attainable by less-opaqueness on my part. So that's one of my New Years resolutions for 2010. While I appreciate those who are and can be transparent in their relationships, I'm going to work on simply being less-opaque!

I need a burning bush...

2009-12-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

I have a situation in my life that I've pretty much been a casual observer of. A few weeks ago, I felt a stirring in my heart about this situation, but kind of ignored it and put it on the back burner. Today, I find myself wrestling with this stirring...with this situation...and what action (if any) I should take. I'm seeking wise counsel. I'm fervently on my knees seeking HIS perfect will. I'm patiently waiting: asking, seeking, and knocking. Truth is, I hope I'm asked to simply pray and not to act. Yet I want HIS perfect will. So I'm praying for a burning bush; a 2 x 4 across the forehead; a donkey to speak to me; or for God to show up in the back seat of my car (I just watched Evan Almighty). I pray for strength...for courage...especially if I'm called to act. I pray for patience...for courage...if I'm asked to pray and wait. I've often prayed for God to use me, to 'send me', to let me make a difference and be His instrument. Today I pray that if this situation is one He wants to use me in, that He makes it PERFECTLY clear what my part is. So, Lord, send me a burning bush...please.

2009-10-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

I came across this passage in Micah this morning: "Don't, enemy, crow over me. I'm down, but I'm not out. I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light. I can take God's punishing rage. I deserve it - I sinned. But it's not forever. He's on my side and is going to get me out of this. He'll turn on the lights and show me his ways..." (Micah 7:8-9, The Message)

These past couple months have been an internal and spiritual battle. I don't know how many times I've cried out, "Why do I do what I don't want to do??" And the enemy has taken many opportunities to tell me why: I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I'm selfish, I'm dishonest, I'm just bad. All of those lies keep swimming in my head no matter how hard I try to get them out or turn them off. The enemy has been 'crowing' over me. He doesn't care that I'm desperately seeking God's truth. The enemy of my soul wants to kick me when I'm down...and he has...and it hurts. These words this morning really lifted my spirit. I know that I am a sinner. I'm also selfish and dishonest sometimes. Might even fail once in a while. The truth, however, is that I AM good enough as a daughter of the King. There may be some areas in my life that I'm working on; areas that God has pointed out as sin that need to be brought to light. I deserve His correction. What I need to cling to every day is that this darkness or fog that I'm in, is NOT forever. God is on my side and is walking beside me, even carrying me at times, to bring me out of this fog and into His light. Pretty sure the enemy doesn't like that, and is going to 'crow' even louder. But I'm holding on to the promise in Micah 7:9-10, "I'll see the whole picture and how right he is. And my enemy will see it, too, and be discredited - yes, disgraced! This enemy who kept taunting, 'So where is this God of yours?' I'm going to see it with these eyes, my own eyes - my enemy disgraced, trash in the gutter."

2009-10-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Colossians 3:23, NLT

This is the verse sent 'randomly' to my inbox today... I am a people pleaser, performer, and striver. I 'DO' so that I feel love and acceptance. Almost daily I struggle with this. As far back as I can remember I've struggled with this...to the point I sometimes even forget what I want or what I feel. When I first read this verse, my knee-jerk reaction was to ask, "Okay, Lord, what can I work at for You?" Then I stopped...literally cocked my head to one side and looked out my window to the snow-covered mountains. This wasn't my to-do list from God. This was a reminder that whatever I do- I should do with the heart attitude and effort that I would put forth as if it were for Him...and not the performance I tend to put on for people. Whether it's doing the morning dishes, scrubbing a toilet, meeting a friend for coffee, or preparing a lesson...whatever I do, I should do as if for my Father. Not to please someone-or perform for someone-or to get my coveted 'A'...

Family...

2009-09-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a very long time since I've blogged...not that I haven't had any ideas. I have a list of topics and things I'd like to write about. Been exploring other options for my writing, but today decided to write again.

My Daddy and "extra" Mom are here visiting from Georgia this weekend. Every minute has been special. We're having fun playing with the boys and catching up since it's been over a year since we've been together. I'm amazed at the love we all have for each other...the openness and honesty we share in conversation. There's no awkwardness. Just family.

It's also fun to share old stories about trips we took when my sister and I were little. I'm learning things about my dad and his time in the Navy that I've never known. My boys are way interested in those stories, too!! The weekend is going way too quickly, but every second we've had together has been a true treasure, a gift from God. I'm so thankful for the family God gave me...and even more grateful for every minute we can spend together!!

Finally!!

2009-07-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

"I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord. "
Hosea 2:20, NLT

I read this verse the other day, and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. You see, I'm what they call a 'striver'- always working and doing and striving. Sometimes it's a good thing, even a great thing! I can get things done, and generally do them well. I don't require a lot of sleep so I can get even more done! By all appearances I'm pretty successful and lead a pretty happy life.

On the other hand, being a 'striver' has its draw backs. It can be exhausting, and I don't always know how to say no or to stop. Sometimes I have too many irons in the fire and details get overlooked and the end result is not what was expected...creating more work. It can get lonely...striving to do on my own and not allowing others to help.

The worse part, though, is the need to feel appreciated and the feeling that I have to do in order to earn that appreciation or recognition, especially when this 'striving' spills over into my walk with God. I know in my head that God loves me, sent His Son to die on the cross, and that only by HIS grace I am saved. My heart, on the other hand, doesn't always make that connection, which is why this verse in Hosea really struck a cord with me.

"I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord. "
Hosea 2:20, NLT. God is saying that HE will be faithful to me...not me working and doing to be faithful to Him. HE is going to make me HIS...not ME making Him mine. I do have to act and respond and ask for His forgiveness, but ultimately HE is the one making me HIS... He's GOD!!! And then the finally part... I laughed the first time I read it because I could almost hear God's voice with a heavy sigh..."and you will FINALLY know me as the Lord." How can I really know Him as Lord if I'm so busy doing things that I think will make Him happy, when all He really wants is me...not my accomplishments, not my accolades, not even my work that I do for His kingdom. He is calling me to KNOW Him; to slow down, sit down, and STOP... "I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord. " Hosea 2:20, NLT

Summer...

2009-06-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Was reading through some blogs, and realized I hadn't updated mine in a while, so here goes... It's finally summer!!! Even though the parameters and stresses of my job and life really haven't changed at all, there's something about summer that feels slower...lazier... I'm still working on ME, which is so not as easy as it sounds; I still work almost full-time; I'm still parenting two amazing very active boys; I'm still married to my best friend and being all that I can for him; I'm still running a new house and painting and yard work and yes, unpacking; I'm getting ready to have friends visit and to take our own vacation... But there's something about these summer months that just feel more relaxed. I thank God for the challenges of summer, especially in ministry. I'm excited to see how He moves through the leaders and kids I work with, as well as how He's working in my own children's lives... I'm excited that God has provided opportunities to build new relationships and rekindle some old ones. I just love summer! Hope you are enjoying summer, too!

Dentists, drills...and a deep hole

2009-06-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday morning I spent two hours in the dentist chair getting some major work done on a couple teeth that had been quietly decaying in the back of my mouth. Ironically, God has been using this dental analogy to bring some things in my own life to light, and I thought I'd share them here. It all started about a month ago when I went in for my check up...new dentist, new x-rays, and a new diagnosis! For unknown reasons and circumstances beyond my control (bummer) I have several teeth in the back of my mouth that are decaying from the inside out for no apparent reason. I'm one of those fanatical brushers and flossers so it's NOT from lack of hygiene. The dentist was and is perplexed, and has ever so graciously 'offered' to try and stop my dental demise...

So, last week was my first of several very long appointments with needles, drills, tugging, digging, and 'fixing'. You're catching on, aren't you? After half an hour of drilling, the dentist told me to stick my tongue back where he'd been drilling and feel the hole left in my tooth. Initially there was NO WAY I was going to do that for fear of making myself sick. But I'm slowly realizing that simply ignoring something or denying it's true existence does NOT in fact make it any less real. So, I slowly slid my tongue back and felt the deep crevice in my back molar and the hole in the side of the tooth as well. My mind was swirling with how and why this could have happened as well as sheer dread of the thought that I have to do this at least twice more on different teeth...UGH!

But God has been using this scenario all week to prepare me for what He's asking me to do...dig and drill. You see, there are some things in my life that I've hidden deep in the back molar crevices of my life...some things I didn't even realize were there. They have started to cause decay from the inside out in areas of my life...and God wants to dig...drill....chizzle...whatever it takes to help me get that 'yuck' out of my life. Then He wants me to feel the deep holes left behind...not pretend they don't exist or aren't real, but to acknowledge them-feel them-know that they are real. And finally, He's going to fill those holes...fill them with His love in ways I've never let in before; fill them with the forgiveness I need for myself and for others; fill them with His grace that I've talked about and known about but haven't truly experienced in these dark areas of my life...

It's not comfortable, and as much as I'd like to use some numbing agents to take the edge off I know that He won't give me anymore than I can handle. I'm glad that I serve a Father who seeks me...who wants more for me than I want for myself...and who is willing to help me dig deep into areas He says I'm ready to handle...and who promises to be there every step of the way and to re-fill that decay in my life with Himself...

No more tantrum...I'm grounded~

2009-05-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've been throwing a temper tantrum. Not literally out loud...but internally. If you read my last post, you have a better visual of what I've been feeling lately; so here's an update. I've grounded myself to the corner until I can get myself together. No more avoiding...no more pretending...no more hiding (or thinking I'm hiding)... I'm just stuck in the corner. You know when you ask a child 'why' they did something, and their response is, "I dunno?!" Well if you asked me why I'm still in the corner and NOT doing anything about it...that'd be my response..."I dunno..." Do I like being in the corner? NO! Do I like the habits that have gotten me where I am today?? Not really... So why am I not really doing anything about it?? I dunno... Maybe confession is the first step...being real with the yuck of who I've become and seeing who God wants me to be- who I want to be... Maybe by really thinking about all the 'stuff' that I've so carefully avoided thinking about, remembering the people I've tried over and over to forgive, admitting to the habits that are impossible for me to change on my own...maybe that's the beginning. Maybe that's what God wants me think about while I stand in the corner. I still don't want to...still don't any answers...still don't like it... But if I ever want to get out of the corner and truly LIVE the life I've been given and DO what I've been called to do and BE who God made me to be - I'm gonna have to. So, for right now, I've got my nose in the corner thinking of all the things I shoulda, coulda, woulda...and praying that God will hear me and help me be willing to be willing...

...and you can't make me!!

2009-05-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

Ever seen a three year old having a temper tantrum?? You know when they put their hands over their ears (or even better, put their fingers IN their ears) and in that sickeningly sassy toddler voice saying, "NO! And you can't make me!!"?? Got that picture?? That's me, right now. I've got my fingers good and firm in my ears, eyes closed, and am singing, "YOU can't make me..."

Yet, my heart is breaking...the tears are falling...and all I really want is for someone to make me... But the God I serve won't make me...He's not that kind of God. No matter how much I cry or beg...He won't make me. He'll just wait...

Boxes, boxes, and more boxes

2009-04-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Been on a blog 'vacation' as we've been moving. God provided us with our miracle, and we are settling in to a beautiful new home...and that means LOTS of boxes. I spent an entire day before the big move loading all of the kitchen boxes into my car and getting them unpacked in our new house. Funny how much better we can survive if the kitchen is put together! (ha) I've got most of the big stuff and major necessities unpacked and put away... What's left are those boxes that have to be gone through, sorted, and either put away or packed away or added to the ever growing garage sale pile in the middle of my garage.

Ironic how God uses my every day circumstances to illustrate a point in my own life. As hard as I've tried and worked these past several months to get rid of suitcases and baggage...I still have these boxes that I need to go through...sort through...unpack and really look at each item carefully before deciding if I really want to keep it in my life, pack it away, or get rid of it. I was challenged recently to remember why I even started this journey...it took me a few days to get over being hurt and angry and irritated to remember why... For the first time in my life, someone recognized the hurt that I'd boxed up and put away on a top shelf and told me it was okay...that I wasn't crazy, and that seeking help to unpack this huge box was a good thing... a GOD thing.

So as I get ready to head to the THRIVE conference at Bayside Church in Roseville, CA, I'm getting some boxes down. I've got them lined up...the challenge is opening them. I pray that I find the courage to let God see what's in those boxes... He already knows anyway; I just have to trust Him...

Forgiveness...

2009-04-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

On a recent episode of the Today Show, there was a family being interviewed whose daughter/sister had been killed after being hired for a babysitting job on Craig's List at the home where she thought she was going to be working. Tragic and horrific story that was on all the news shows 18 months ago when it happened. The young man who murdered this college girl had been convicted and sentenced to life in prison. The reporter was asking the normal questions about whether the family felt justice had been served, and then she asked about forgiving this young man and if the father thought that was possible. The father in this case is a minister so I waited for his 'pat' answer...but instead was pleasantly surprised. I can't write what he said word for word, but I can sum up the main points that moved me, and got me thinking about forgiveness in my own life.

He started by saying there are two types of forgiveness in the Bible. In the old testament, forgiveness was about restoring relationships with other people. This father talked about the fact that he does not have a relationship with the young man who killed his daughter, nor will he ever have a relationship with him outside of seeing him in the court room. He then talked about forgiveness in the new testament being about letting go and releasing. He said that he would forgive this young man in this way...

It got me thinking about my own life and areas that I need to take a deeper look at when it comes to forgiveness. I know that forgiveness isn't always easy, and that it's more for me than the other person. Yet, it's still hard sometimes to even admit that I need to forgive someone- especially if I have no intention of restoring any type of relationship... But the letting go and releasing...I need to let go and release the other person, their actions, as well as all of the hurt and 'yuck' I carry around when someone has hurt me. I also need to let go and release myself (forgive myself) for my part in the situation. This is often the hardest part...I allow the unforgiveness or shere denial that anything 'wrong' happened to become a part of me, and I don't know what it will look like if I let it go. I don't want hurt or unforgiveness or even denial to shape who I am!! What's even more puzzling for me is when I have forgiven someone- truly forgiven them- and I either feel like I haven't or am asked how I ever did...

I'm on a journey of rediscovery, and I so don't want to pick up old habits that I've started to break... But on this journey I'm being challenged to: walk through situations and scenarios that I don't want to walk through and recall those who've truly hurt me in life and write out those hurts. I know it's part of a process that will walk me through forgiveness...of others and myself; and ultimately of letting go and releasing all of the hurts and 'bagage' I've carried around. But it IS hard...

In-to-me-see

2009-03-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book by Jack Frost called Experiencing the Father's Embrace. It's a little bit more 'manly' of a book than I normally read, but I find that I can relate to many of his thoughts even if our life experiences are very different. Today, I came across this passage: Most of us struggle through life because we are afraid to receive and give love. We are basically afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see)...This hinders us from having intimate fellowship with God and healthy relationships with others. He goes on to talk about the core of this fear being deception. This deception is because of a lie we have been told by the enemy of our souls, 'the father of lies', who he has lied to us about the character of God. And we begin to believe it...

I've been working on this word - intimacy - and learning what it truly means. Unfortunately, the enemy of my soul has lied to me since I was a little girl and led me to believe that intimacy only means one thing...and that one thing is NOT something a little girl should know about. Thus, I learned to fear intimacy in one specific situation; and then allowed those lies to pour over into all areas of intimacy making all intimacy 'bad' and scary.

According to Webster, intimate pertains to the inmost character of something, being very familiar, or resulting from careful study or investigation. In-to-me-see. Isn't that what God wants? Doesn't he know my inmost character? I love the idea of God carefully studying me and being very familiar. Ultimately, that's what I want, too: to know God intimately, to study Him, become so familiar with Him. With time (and healing), I know I will learn who God really is...and I will allow Him to know me, too, intimately. I'm already learning; taking those lies and turning them into the truths that God has had for me all this time. Truths that will not only allow me to trust Him, but to trust others- and to allow others to see me...to know me... In-to-me-see...

Kickboxing and the Holy Spirit?

2009-03-02T12:13:00.000-08:00

I'm a workout DVD junkie. My favorites are Denise Austin and Billy Blanks, especially kickboxing and boot camps! It's a usual occurrence to find me in my bedroom in front of my TV with a workout DVD playing, kicking and punching, and trying to get my 30 minutes of cardio at least 5 times a week! I don't love it, but once I finish a good workout (and take a shower) I usually feel pretty good. It's also become a great stress reliever... My pastor's wife and I share a similar love for kickboxing and were joking how we like to pretend it's satan we're kicking or punching: "Get behind me, satan," POW!

After my car accident last week, I haven't been able to work out like I want to, and I've really missed it. I pulled out one of my really low impact aerobic DVDs the other night just so I could feel like I wasn't taking too many steps back in my fitness routine. As I was step-touching back and forth, I noticed how much I liked being encouraged by the words Denise Austin was saying. Every new move or new level of exercise, she was saying things like, "You can do it. You are worth it. Don't you feel good? You're burning fat and calories. You're getting into shape." I laughed later with my husband about it, because I had visions of me sitting on the couch eating cheesecake while she was on the screen saying these things to me...not knowing what I was really doing. But I do find that those words those trainers are saying when I'm punching and kicking DO make me want to keep going. When I'm tired and don't want to jump or kick 8 or 4 or even 1 more time, there they are cheering me on, telling me I can do it and that I'm worth it.

And then God spoke to me...reminding me that His Holy Spirit is that same type of 'trainer' in my life. Only He's right there with me in everything. He's cheering me on, giving me encouragement and direction, guiding my steps, bringing people into my life who need me or whom I need, reminding me that I'm worth it. We also have His word to help us stay fit and 'train' us. I was moved by the words from The Message in Psalms 18:16-19: But me he caught - reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved!

I still plan to use my DVDs and will continue to enjoy the encouragement I receive from people I will probably never know and who will never know me or see me working out along with them. But how awesome is it to know I have that constant Encourager with me everyday and everywhere who truly knows me and loves me?? (take that satan-POW!)

Prayer for a Friend, Casting Crowns

2009-02-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

I received some news yesterday that broke me...Tears began streaming down my face as I read an email updating me about the situtation and circumstances of someone's life...someone very dear to me. My stomach began to tie up in knots; I felt sick; my heart literally broke right there as I was staring at the computer screen. As I went to my room to get on my knees and plead with my Father on 'her' behalf, there were no words...just tears and sobs...I threw up my hands and literally lay there broken before God: not for me, but for 'her'. Searching for words to cry out to my father, I remembered the lyrics to a Casting Crowns song that touches my soul. It's on their Altar and the Door CD, and it's called 'Prayer for a Friend'. Take a moment, as I am doing, to pray these words for those people in your life that are struggling, hurting, and just don't seem to get it...they need us to pray on their behalf; to intervene and to intercede for them...This is my prayer for my 'friend'...

Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do-
I lift my friend to You.
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You.
I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You.

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You
'Cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to you

Lord, I lift my friend to you
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend...to You.

The Biggest Loser...

2009-02-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

My family loves watching The Biggest Loser. Whether it's the competition, the amazing weight loss, the horrific workouts, or the interpersonal relationships- we love the show. We always have our favorite contestants that we cheer for, and those that we don't. It's opened the doors to conversations about healthy foods, exercise, and choosing to live a healthy life. Being someone who has to work very hard to maintain or lose weight, I can appreciate what these individuals are doing- all on national televsion.

Last night, however, I was struck by something else. One of our least favorite individuals this season was up for her weigh-in. It has become obvious over the past several weeks that her efforts are lacking, and even those on the show with her were questioning her desire and willingness to be 'on the ranch'. As I watched her step up to scale, listening to the thoughts of others and watching clips of her workouts from the week, I found myself getting irritated with her. With suspense and drama they posted her weight that she had lost ZERO for the week while her team-mate lost 9 pounds. Needless to say, the entire team wasn't surprised, nor were any of them supportive. In fact, they called her on the carpet and did not accept any of her excuses.

That's when it hit me...the excuses. Whether it's losing weight, changing a bad habit, trying to become better at something...those excuses are always right there ready to grab and use and fend off any respobsibility that I may have. And that's what I've been doing in my walk with the Lord. I've used them all: I'm not good-pretty-smart-talented enough; it's too hard; I don't know how; why should I; it won't make a difference...on and on and on. As I looked at the contestant's face, standing there in total humiliation for the entire world to see- I cold hear my own excuses running through my head. I could feel her embarrassment, shame, guilt-and even sense that tendency to point blame. As she tried to rally support and claim that she had worked hard and given it her all- I began looking at my own life and the times I gave just enough to get by when I could have given so much more.

I could hear God calling ME to 'NO MORE EXCUSES'. I have plenty of them- and some are really good ones. But I've allowed those excuses to shift blame, to not take responsibility for MY actions, to give me permission to remain stuck, to let me remain a victim. I find,this morning, that I'm very frustrated with myself, with the circumstances I've allowed to control to life, with my lack of faith and trust in God. I'm standing on the edge of some big changes in my life- freedoms I have never imagined; yet, my efforts aren't 110%. I'm standing on that scale waiting for that big zero to pop up, knowing I haven't given it my all...and realizing there's no one else to blame, but me...

Life lesson from 'too fluffy' toilet paper...

2009-01-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

I thought I was pretty smart last week when I bought the 36 rolls of toilet paper at Costco; not only was it cheaper than buying all those rolls 8-12 at a time, but I can fully stock all four bathrooms for a few months-and it was NICE toilet paper!! But in all of my 'smartness' I've discovered a new problem: the toilet paper is TOO FLUFFY for the bathroom holders. I found myself laughing this morning as I was cleaning bathrooms and changing rolls, etc, to find I have to fight to get more than 2 squares because the rolls don't ROLL since they are so fluffy! Told my husband our house wasn't built for 'luxurious' TP! (ha) And then it hit me, a life lesson I can take from the fluffy TP: Sometimes I need to clear up the 'fluff' in my life so I can roll easier. Okay, you can stop laughing because I do realize it's a stretch- but is it really? As our family prepares to buy and move into a new home, the clutter in the house and boxes in the garage that haven't been unpacked from our cross-country move just over a year ago taunt me. Do I really want to take all of that 'fluff' with me? Do I really NEED all that 'fluff'?? I plan to spend some time over the next few months going through everything and making sure we only move into the new house those items that we really want or need; we're trying to let go of the boxes of things we may use or need 'some day'. As our Pastor at CVC has been teaching these past few weeks on "Live like you were dying", I'm finding that I take more time to really think about the things I have...the things I think I want or need...and the things that are making my life busy-GOOD things, Godly things sometimes, but they are simply 'fluff' that often times makes my life a lot harder to roll along... Just some bathroom humor on a Monday!!

2009-01-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me this quote from her daily devotion: We express a desire to deepen our relationship with God and there he stands in the deep end calling us to jump in and join him. There we stand, testing the living water with our toes, hesitating to take the plunge that would require a fully immersed abandonment to God. Yep, that's me. I don't like water that much anyway, but this statement speaks truth about and conviction into my life. I'd like to think I'm standing at least waist deep, but to be honest, I think right now I'm about in up to my ankles. I won't point fingers or try to analyze why I won't jump in (though I am terrified of sharks, and no rational explanation will calm those fears); but I will admit that I'm testing the waters. I'm sad because I've been in the deep end, fully immersed; but I find myself too close to the shore right now. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to be willing to be willing to take the plunge in total abandonment...

Don't worry...be happy!

2009-01-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for an answer...a direction...God's perfect will in a specific situation. I know I'll have an answer in a short amount of time, possibly today...but I'm focusing on taking every thought captive, and my thoughts these past couple days have been anxious...almost worrying...like God doesn't know what's best for me, and I do?! Yeah- I know! That is why I'm taking my thoughts captive and clinging to Philippians 4:6. The answer doesn't matter; I know God is in control. What I want doesn't matter because ultimately I want what God wants...His PERFECT will for my life in every situation. I know, as does God, the desires of my heart...and I know He wants to give those to me...in HIS perfect timing...in HIS perfect way. So I'm waiting...reading Philippians in all the versions I can find and understand... The NIRV puts Philippians 4:6 this way: "Don't worry about anything. Instead, tell God about everything. Ask and pray. Give thanks to him." I sometimes struggle telling God about everything- He already knows it all; but I'm being obedient...telling Him my desires, my fears, my dreams...and laying it at HIS feet. I don't want what isn't from Him or what isn't His best for me...no matter how good it looks or feels. So, I'm waiting...trying not to worry, and truly happy that I have a God who loves me enough to care about the little details that are so important to me! I'll close with Philippians 4:6-7 from The Message: "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

I should be so lucky...

2009-01-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I was blessed by a surprise... First, I spent my morning in the 2 and 3 year old classroom with 16 kids and had tons of fun! I laughed so hard watching the little ones make 'friendship bracelets' out of fruit loops and pipe cleaners (chenille wires); they ate as they created and most had very soggy bracelets by the time they left class from eating the fruit loops off their piping. Such fun! The lesson was about Jesus being our friend, and the innocence and aceptance of these precious children of their Jesus and their God always amazes me. (Yes, I make God way more complicated though I know I just need to come to Him as one of these little ones...that's another blog entry! lol) Hearing them repeat back to me that "Jesus is our friend"...you can imagine a chorus of young voices, "geezus iz rrr fwend"... Precious! To top it off, I was honored to escort one of my friend's precious little girls to enjoy worship in the main service. Having already psyched myself up that I would be attending service alone (hubby was serving), I was THRILLED to have someone to sit with, even if she was only 3 years old. And worship WAS incredible. The music was amazing; the message spoke to me; but the BEST part of my morning was dancing in the front row with one of God's littlest angels lifting our hands and singing praises to our God. Now THAT was church. Thanks to this little one for lifting my spirits and making this morning one of the best worship experiences EVER for me!! His little ones truly are precious in His sight...

2008-12-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from my family to yours. We had a quiet Christmas, just the four of us- something we've only done two or three times in our 14 years of marriage. We did miss our families, but were blessed with a beautiful snowy day and lots of family bowling on the Wii! God is really speaking to me these days, and I'm trying to stop and listen...I'll admit I don't always like what I hear, but I'm in a season of discipline and am passionate about doing what God has called me to. I'm praying for a new year full of His blessing and leading...and more importantly, of me following and being obedient. It's not always easy, but "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

God loves you...

2008-12-16T08:44:00.001-08:00

I was reminded over and over again during the weekend service that I attended that God loves you...or rather, God loves me. I know that I believe that; it's at the very core of who I am...but hearing it repeatedly and almost forcefully...I realized that I don't always believe it. As Pastor John was teaching I was moved to tears multiple times when he said, "God loves you!" At one point I almost said out loud, "Really?" I don't think we hear it often enough, or at least I don't, and it was nice to be reminded especially during this busy time of year. I'll be the first to jump up and say "God loves YOU!" But to sit back and take ownership of that phrase for me, for my life, for my circumstances, for my past and present and future, for the life He's walked me through...it took me by surprise how much hearing those words spoke to the very core of my soul. God loves ME. He loves me for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming...but he loves me now, this very minute, and isn't waiting to love me once I've reached whatever goal it is that I think I need to reach before I become loveable. I know that God sent His son Jesus as a baby at Christmas...that Jesus took my sin and died on the cross for me... I truly know and believe that. But to really sit and chew on the fact that He LOVES me, unconditionally, without expectation or hesitation, as a parent loves a child...that is what I'm holding on to this week of the Christmas season. In case you need to hear it again: GOD LOVES YOU!!

Grandma...

2008-12-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

Monday, the 15th is the 2 year anniversary of when my Grandmother passed away. It's really hard this year. I miss her so much, and this year especially- I think because we're staying home for Christmas and not traveling. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Christmas season and am excited to see the boys open their gifts, do services at church, and enjoy our own family traditions. I just know in the back of my mind what Monday is...and it makes me sad. My Grandmother and I had a special relationship. We were both writers and wrote letters back and forth over the years back when I started college up until she passed away-letters that we both wrote by hand. (Okay, once in a while I did cheat and typed one out on the computer, but I was a college student! Give me a break!) I found one of her letters the other day in a shoebox in my closet... It was from the summer of 2005 when I had just been offered the Children's Director position at my church in Iowa. She was congratulating me and then shared almost 2 handwritten pages of her jobs at her church when she was my age...talked about my grandfather who passed before I was born and how he didn't like her being a janitor at their church and how he was excited when she was in the church office instead...talked about how she then left the church job for her job at the credit union where I used to visit her when I was little...and how she met my grandfather whom I grew up with at the same credit union several years after her first husband passed away... The letter was full of her and her life, a glimpse into her past that I knew very little about- which is exactly why I've held on to most of her letters. My Grandmother was an amazing woman of God; a strong woman who married very young and moved across the country with her husband to start a life together back in the 30s; a crossword puzzle lover; a beautiful quilt maker...of which I have several, and crocheter of blankets and doilies and hanger covers...all of which I have; opinionated and argumentative when she felt stronly about something; and most of all a mentor and inspiration to me - encouraging me to always put my best foot forward to seek God's will and do what He has called me to do. She was always so proud of me, even when I wasn't someone to be proud of...but she loved me unconditionally, and I always knew that. I know she's watching over me and wishing I wouldn't cry...she's partying up there in heaven with her Jesus-she's finally home with no more pain, no more sorrow...but I miss her so bad sometimes it hurts. I'm so grateful for the woman she was and who she inspires me to be. I love you Grandma, and carry a piece of you with me everyday.

Giving thanks...

2008-12-02T11:25:00.001-08:00

On our recent Thanksgiving trip over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house in Bend, Oregon, we decided to make a list of 50 things we're thankful for. I'd love to list all 50, but here are some of my favorites that the boys, hubby, and I came up with. We started our list with family, near and far, as well as our jobs...and are all truly thankful for the new life God has given us here in Nevada: including our jobs, our church, our new friends, and the boys' schools. (Yes, I still hear myself telling Charlie I would NEVER live in Nevada! I'm glad God has a sense of humor and knows He laughs when I say I'm GLAD to live in Nevada!!) As we worked on our list, Charlie and I were thankful for our boys and their personalities: Cade's laughter, Brandon's leadership, both boys' competitiveness, Cade's gentle heart, both boys' desire to be their best, Brandon's passion and sense of humor, and the creativity of both! What a blessing they are, even if they are taller than I am! Charlie's thankful for me (of course) and for a boss who is encouraging. I'm thankful for a husband who adores me and is so supportive of all my passions. We're all thankful for the beautiful Sierra Mountains and the gorgeous Lake Tahoe. Cade is thankful for his teacher, his school, and that God created us! Brandon is thankful for his youth group, his school, basketball, and new socks! I'm thankful for Twitter and Facebook and the ability to stay in touch and learn about people's lives, as well as way thankful for tater tots and milkshakes!! But I'm especially thankful for God's discipline in my life right now...His word that never changes...and the grace He has given to not give up on this Princess in Progress...

Athletes...

2008-11-17T17:05:00.001-08:00

I love watching my boys play sports...Basketball, football, cross country, baseball, soccer...They've played them all. Lately, as I've been running from practices and games I've been thinking about how hard these boys practice, work out, and learn about their respective sports. We have a prayer that has sort of turned into our family saying: Give your best. Win or lose, that's all you've got- YOUR best. I love this picture of Brandon as he waits for a break in the game so he can sub in. He's focused intently on the happenings of the game- who's guarding whom, where the ball is, etc. He doesn't take his focus off the game until it's over. He gives HIS best.

This is a picture of Cade (#63) at his last football game when he got to be one of the team captains. What the picture doesn't show is how this group of boys held hands as they walked out to the center of the field together. I have watched Cade become so passionate about his team and everyone giving their best, that it has brought us all to tears. Listening to his coach at their awards party, I realized that THEY saw my son give his best at every practice and every game. Win or lose- Cade showed up and left it all on the field.

The point: I need to give MY best...whether it be at my new job working with children, singing on the worship team, being a wife, being a mother... those things I find it easy to give my best to. However, God has been nudging me ever so gently that I may not really be giving my BEST to Him. I don't have that focus that my boys do in the middle of a game when it comes to my walk with God: quiet time, prayer time, journaling. I find that I'm distracted by the 'noise' and the 'crowd'; and I'm making mistakes...stumbling over very obvious obstacles in my way...not holding hands with my team mates as we go out onto the field together- trying to do it on my own. SO, that's my challenge to myself. Yeah, I love posting pictures of my boys - love to show them off. I've never been an athlete...but I'm finding that the things they are learning are things I need to challenge myself to learn so that I can give MY best to my creator, my Father...my coach!

$3 worth...

2008-11-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

I found myself frantically writing notes this weekend as our Senior Pastor Dr. John Jackson continued his series on the Best Decisions at CVC. I usually take notes; I'm one of those 'student's who has to get an A- but this week I found myself writing quips and phrases and notes all over the insert in my program. This is the phrase that started it all: Do I want just $3 worth of God; enough to feel His presence, but not enough to create change in my life?? At first I chuckled...that IS funny (especially now that I can buy more than a whole gallon for $3). Then I started thinking back to my high school days when we could fill the car with just $5...enough to cruise Friday night and then get home. As I wrote the phrase down twice (once in my notes, and once in my notebook in my purse so I wouldn't lose or forget it), the Holy Spirit really poked at me... Are there times or situations or circumstances in my life, that I'm only filling with $3 worth of God?? Ouch...because the truth is, there are. There are areas that are easy for me to fill with God, to the brim. There are also areas, that I've let $3 be just enough to keep Him there, but not really affecting or creating any change. So...what to do? First, I'm making a list (and checking it twice...oh, it's almost that time again!) of those areas that are $3 (or less!!) full of God...areas like past hurts that I know I can handle better than He (whatever!); relationships that are safe and that I keep at a distance because that's what I think is best; attitudes and behaviors that are so second nature to me that I don't need more than $3 because it seems to be working (can you say NOT!)...things like that. Second, I'm laying those down...well, I'm holding onto them at the foot of the cross, but I'm trying to let go and totally lay them down... And third, I'm asking God to fill those areas with HIM in His perfect timing, so that I can truly say "All of You, is more than enough for...all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have in You...is MORE than enough..." (from Chris Tomlin's song "Enough") I definitely want a full tank of God, and not just $3 worth...

But...

2008-10-31T07:59:00.001-07:00

Okay, I didn't do my homework this week. 1.) I was busy...I'm always busy...I like it that way, so being busy isn't a good excuse. 2.) I wanted to give my homework the time it deserved and couldn't block out a big enough chunk to really dive in...that doesn't work either since I didn't carve out ANY time. I've been wrestling with 'why'...Sometimes I do or don't do things even though my heart really doesn't want to or does want to... (How's that for a messed up sentence?) So 'why' didn't I do my homework...No reason, I just didn't. I'm really comfortable with my relationship with God. I know how it feels, what it looks like...why change something that's pretty good? That's just it- 'pretty good'?? Don't I want God's best for me, and for others?? If I'm not in or working towards what God wants for me, what good am I to Him or to what He has called me to? Now, I know that God is using me and that we do have an intimate relationship (on my terms), and that even if nothing changes God will continue to work in and through me... But is it the 'best' that He has for me?? I'll never know unless I humble myself and seek His best, and what HE wants for me...and give up the control that I want to have and the fears that I have about what changes God wants to make. It's so easy to look at this from the outside and see how obvious it is- but being in it, holding on to whatever little bit of control I think I have, is hard! One of my favorite phrases in the Bible is "Lord, help me to be willing to be willing..." My brain says NO, the enemy says NO, my actions say NO...but my heart and the Holy Spirit say YES...

More Homework...

2008-10-26T20:23:00.001-07:00

I was given an assignment this week- to 'research' and define the relationship that God longs to have with me. I know it's not an easy assignment, especially for me- and I told the 'assigner' that, too. She smiled and agreed, knowingly, that it won't be easy. I'm frustrated because in my mind, I think it SHOULD be easy... I've known God since I was little, have read the Bible through and through, have prayed and sought after His plan and His calling on my life, have served in a variety of ministries, etc, etc. It all looks good on paper and sounds good in a testimony, but the truth is- I KNOW that I don't have the relationship with God that HE longs for us to have. But I'm comfortable with the way things are... As much as I like to shake things up and am an advocate for change when it's needed, I'm unsure about the changes that God is calling me to. I've had MY idea of what my relationship with God should look and feel like- I'm good with that. People talk about curling up in God's lap with His arms wrapped around them comforting them, carrying them... I'm more of a sit next to Him on the couch kind of girl. Keep Him close enough, but not too close. I know in my heart that the relationship I have with God is real, is good, but it's NOT His best for me...and that's hard to swallow. All these years that I've cried out to Him and sought after Him, I've really only let Him in so far before I've held up my hands and said, "That's close enough." I won't go into details as to the 'whys' of it all, but there are trust issues, control issues, fear issues...and God is choosing now to draw those out of me...to draw me closer to Him than I've ever been... So, it's time for a research project that will ultimately be life changing, if I let it. It's time to put the guard down and trust like I've never trusted, to give up control of things I've never given up, to feel things I've kept stuffed way down, to admit to things I've been afraid to admit... I need God more than I've allowed myself to need Him, and I do long to know His BEST for me- so here I go to find out what that BEST looks and feels like, and hopefully earn an 'A'!! :)

My BEST decision

2008-10-19T20:36:00.001-07:00

CVC is doing an incredible series on The Best Decisions. I haven't always been a 'best' decision maker, so I'm paying close attention hoping to get it right more often than not! :) Life has been good lately, and often times when life is good I don't always hear God's whispers. Today, however, I heard Him loud and clear.
Pastor John was talking about spiritual gifts, a subject I've heard and studied many times over, and reminding us to use our gifts. At one point in the message he said that God wouldn't ask ME what I did with the gifts He gave my mom, my friends, my pastor, etc. At first I was like- DUH! But as I sat there thinking about it more, I realized how many times I felt like I had to 'use' someone else's gifts to do what I thought God wanted me to do at the time. How many times have I tried to be or do something that really wasn't 'mine' for the doing or being? How many times have I felt like a complete failure because I wasn't using 'my' gifts but trying to be/do something completely opposite my gifts and talents? And how many times have I kicked myself for letting someone else do or be what I KNEW God had called me to??
Ouch... It's funny, how I totally get that God won't ask me what I did with Pastor John's gifts...or my kids' gifts...or my big brother's gifts... They have amazing gifts that God has given them, and callings on their lives that I see them live out every day. Yet, how often do I doubt my own giftings? How often do I negate my giftings or think them less than someone else's, when they are exactly the gifts that GOD gave to me, just like He gave those other gifts to other people I respect and admire?? Makes me laugh... In my heart of hearts, I know what God has called me to- though it's taken me years to realize and admit...but it's not too late. My best decision for today? To step out in authority in the gifts that God has given me and in the calling He has placed on my life...surrendering totally to Him...and use MY gifts, no one eles's, to run the race set before me...

Taking ground...

2008-10-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of buzz lately at CVC about taking back ground from the enemy of our souls. As Pastor John always says, the devil isn't stupid- and he knows just where to shoot his fiery darts. This past week, I've really felt it pressed on my heart that this 'ground taking' is not reserved just for the adults in our congregation...this includes our children.

The enemy can oppress ANYONE. He doesn't differentiate between the weak and the strong, the smart or the less smart, the pretty or the less pretty, the old or the young... He would love to get his grimy hands in our minds and in our lives as soon as he can so he can deceive us more and more and try to lead us further and further from the truth. Speaking from my own experiences (and pain), the enemy of our souls is just that- the enemy of our souls, whether we're 37 or 7. He simply wants to kill and destroy, and will use any means (ANY MEANS) to achieve his goal. If that means speaking lies into the life of a 7 year old, so be it.

The thought of the enemy of my soul as an adult preying on the lives of the children I am privileged to work with, let alone my own sons, really irritates me... I reminded my leaders at BreakOut last week that though we get to 'play' and do crafts and worship and literally have fun with kids, we need to come to our classes with the full armor of God-ready for battle. There are sins of the fathers and hurts and pains in the lives of our children - experiences they've had already, that we can't even imagine...and the enemy wants to use those to sink his claws in...to lead our children astray...to fill the minds and hearts of our children with his lies and deception...That should drive everyone to their knees-it does me.

Again today, Pastor John shared about Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the wall with a sword in one hand and a trowel in the other. Whether it's our precious children or our cherished adults...we need to be building with a sword ready for battle in one hand and a trowel for building in the other.

Cardboard Testimonies and Plastic Smiles

2008-09-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

This past weekend CVC ended an amazing series on "Essentials". At the end of the message there was a special song, and a series of people (including my husband and myself) came out on stage one at a time and used pieces of cardboard to tell part of their testimony... One side of the cardboard said who they 'were' in Christ or their past pain and sin while the other side was who they 'are' in Christ now that they've found forgiveness and grace.

Regardless of our testimony, the entire weekend was full of pain and hope, struggles and encouragement, sorrows and joys. I was moved by the number of people on stage sharing their past pains, some for the very first time. I was drawn to tears by the losses and heartaches on those pieces of cardboard, and then to sobs as I read their hopes and healings that only the one true God can give.

It hit me today that those pieces of cardboard removed the plastic smiles that many of us wear every day. Those plastic smiles of "I'm fine" when on the inside we're screaming that we can't take it anymore, or wondering if people can tell who we really are, what we've really done, what heartaches and hurts we've experienced...and if they would still like us if they knew the truth. After this weekend, I'd have to say YES - whatever that plastic smile is hiding, the truth on the cardboard sets us all free. Isn't that what God tells us in His word- that the truth shall set us free? (John 8:32) Not only do I feel free because of the honesty I've laid out there about who I am (at least in one particular area of my life), but the others who stood up and put their truths out there have given me permission to be honest with them, too. It's a give and take- If we give honesty, we can expect to receive it back. We don't have to rehash the past or go into details...we've all been through something that we're not too proud of. But we can be honest with each other, lifting each other up, encouraging each other through our past and present pain...

What's on your cardboard behind the plastic smile??

The Shadows

2008-09-26T16:20:00.001-07:00

I was reminded by one of my pastors this past Tuesday of Psalm 23. Pastor Roy shared at Equip U about 'the shadows'. He shared how we can get distracted when we turn our heads to look at the shadows, which takes our focus off God. I was convicted of how many times I look to the right and to the left to see who's watching or who or what might 'get me'... In my shadows are the sneers and snickers of the enemy just waiting to shoot one of his darts where he knows I'm weakest. And when I'm looking to the right and to the left, I'm NOT focusing on God...not hearing His voice over the enemy's rumblings...not watching my step and stumbling...and not walking in the authority God has given me as His forgiven child, a princess of the King of Kings. When I am focused on God and His Son, the shadows don't loom over me... They're still there, and the enemy isn't stupid, he'll hang out in those shadows watching my every move so he can catch me off guard. My goal is to keep my eyes on the path set out before me...keeping my eyes front and center on my Savior and letting the shadows stay there in the shadows...out of my view.

Aha moment on Dr. Phil???

2008-09-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

I was zapped after work today so I admit to totally channel surfing and vegging out in front of the TV while I sat on my couch eating crackers and squeezey cheese (which is totally gross) waiting for my son to get home from school. And there it was- a total 'aha' moment from God...in the form of Dr. Phil...proof, yet again, that God can use anyone and anything to speak to our circumstances.

The premise of the conversation Dr. Phil was having was with a woman who had been left by her husband completly out of the blue, and she was devastated. I do not relate to this woman's situation at all, and was about to surf back to Rachel Ray when Dr. Phil said to this woman that she needed to move on, etc, etc...and then he says to her: "If your house was on fire, you wouldn't sit in the middle of it and say 'I wish my house wasn't on fire, this really stinks', but you'd react to the situation going on around you." He went on to talk about dealing with 'it' (in her case her divorce) and not ignorning it or wishing it didn't happen or getting stuck...

No, my house isn't on fire nor has my husband left me... But I think we all at times get stuck in our present situation and choose to ignore certain 'things' going on around us. I know that every single situtaion isn't as pressing as if your house were on fire...but what if it were? What if we (or I) dealt with whatever the 'it' situation for that moment was instead of wishing it wasn't happening or ignoring it and hoping it would go away? What if when God moved or spoke, I listened and acted instead of questioning and whining and making quadrupally sure that it was God or that I heard Him correctly. If my house was on fire, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't stand around questioning which items to grab- I'd grab the kids and whatever else I could see and I'd get out- I'd deal with it!

Thanks, Dr. Phil for a random 'aha' moment today...I'm not gonna sit in 'it' today!

God IS good...

2008-09-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this past week by my 'big brother' of something so simple...so true...so HUGE... and so easy to forget. GOD IS GOOD. There's more in those three words than any blog post I could write. I love to take the phrase and add the emphasis at different points in the sentence. GOD is good. God IS good. God is GOOD. No deeper meaning or hidden agenda here... Just a reminder that I wanted to share. No matter what you're going through; no matter who you are; no matter what you have done or has been done to you; no matter what today or tomorrow holds for you... GOD IS GOOD! Thanks for the reminder...

What I'm going through...

2008-09-08T16:06:00.001-07:00

In a conversation over the weekend, a mentor and I were talking and he made the comment that he didn't know what I was going through, and didn't need to know unless I wanted to tell, and was praying for me. Those words 'what I'm going through' got me to thinking, and this post is the result of those thoughts...

In answer to the question, 'What am I going through?'- here's my response. I'm going through life...my life, to be specific, and it's a rather blessed life. I feel so lucky to have grown up in a Christian home with rather strict parents (though, as a teenager, I didn't think the strict part made me particularly blessed), Godly grandparents, beautiful homes, always enough food and almost enough clothes and shoes :). I went to college, got my degree, married, career for a while, and then full time mom...etc, etc. But the answer to this question, or statement as it was posed, have been haunting me this weekend...a weekend where we talked about breaking free of chains and our past and the past of our families.

You see, my life has been what it is: awesome, blessed, full of laughter and tears, accomplishments and failures. What I'm going through now, however, is realizing the hold the enemy has had on my life since I first accepted Christ as a little girl. Who I am and who I've always thought I was have been molded and shaped by not only God's word and His call on my life, but by lies from the enemy that have been whispered in my ear since I was a child. My entire reality is going through a major shift. The lies have been my truth and my reality. Trying to determine the truth from the lies becomes overwhelming at times, and my head swirls like a black hole full of thoughts and phrases - truths, lies, half-truths, truths swallowed by lies, etc...

I'm beginning to differentiate more and more, the truth and the lies, and I'm clinging to those truths that I know are TRUTH...and I'm standing against those lies that I know now are lies... As for the lies that I don't realize aren't truth...God's revealing them to me one by one... And that's what I'm going through...

Defeated...NOT me!

2008-09-06T19:29:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'm taking off the mask- the happy princess face- and letting down my guard. As much as I wish I could keep the plastic smile and pretend everything's okay- it's not right now, and I'm okay admitting that here. You see, I listened to the lies. What I've been blocking out so vehemently... Well, I slipped, today, and let the enemy's whispers drown out the truth. And though I want to beat myself up about it, I'm claiming God's promises and His truths to silence the whispers. A work in progress, yes...but defeated by the enemy...NO!

Weekend Reflections...

2008-09-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

I had a ton of expectations for this weekend... Husband and boys are gone, and I made a list of de-cluttering and re-organizing projects that I won't finish, but I did get a good chunk done. I've managed to rearrange the living room and family room furniture, re-organize my pantry, master bedroom, and family room, and tidy up the boys' rooms and office. The garage is my next big project, but I may save that for a different day. This weekend, however, was not all about my home. About a month ago when I found out that the camping weekend conflicted with a commitment I'd made at CVC with our worship team, I decided to make this weekend a retreat. I made an appointment with God to spend time with Him in solitude and study and worship. Here are my weekend reflections:

Moving furniture up and down stairs without help is an Olympic sport, and I earned the silver medal.
It's much easier to throw things out when no one else is home to ask why.
Worship at CVC with the whole team was an "it" moment, and God was moving.
God will meet you where you are...He will seek you out and wait until you are ready to come to Him, and He'll be there when you come.
God is full of surprises and has a sense of humor.
Sometimes the answer to the question, "What am I supposed to be doing?" leads to another question, "What do I want to be doing?"
There aren't always 'right' answers, but answers that are right for me.
Don't pray Bring It On unless you really mean it and are packed and ready to go!

My time with God this weekend was priceless- a true retreat and time of sitting in His lap and talking with Papa. I moved a lot of furniture this weekend. But the biggest obstacle I moved was ME! I didn't get all the specific answers that I was praying for, but from those non-answers I've been able to find questions that are leading me to the answers that are right for me...

Homework...

2008-08-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Psalm 27:8, NLT.

That's the verse I got from Air 1 today as the verse of the day. Now maybe it doesn't make you laugh out loud- but I had to laugh out loud hysterically...and here's why. For several weeks I've been planning for this weekend. My hubby and the boys are all traveling to Oregon to go camping with my inlaws - an awesome time for Dad and his boys. I've been making a list (and yes, checking it twice) of all the tasks around the house that I want to do while they are gone: reorganizing the kitchen and pantry, clean out closets, straighten the garage, etc. In the back of my mind, however, I knew this would not just be a weekend of cleaning out the clutter in the house. I made an appointment with God; told Him I'd spend time in His word, on my knees, and in conversation and silence with Him. Now re-read today's verse. Is it starting to make sense?

What's even more ironic is my husband gave me a homework assignment for this weekend that has nothing to do with my to-do list of house projects - it has to do with defining some goals in my life. It's a very difficult assignment for me because my goals tend to center around what I think other people want from me...but God's been knocking and tugging for a while, so I know it's time to listen to Him.

So, I'm cleaning out cupboards and I'm cleaning out my heart. I'm coming, Lord. Let's talk...

Overwhelmed...

2008-08-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

There's a song we've done a couple times during our staff worship that talks about being overwhelmed by God. It reaches into the depths of my soul and touches a part of me that is rarely moved... And today, I'm overwhelmed. Not by the things of this world or things at work or worship team or any of the ministries I'm involved in, or my family or my friends or even my to-do lists... I'm overwhelmed by God: overwhelmed by what He's asking me to do; overwhelmed by the amount of trust it's taking to stretch in areas I knew I needed to be stretched and those I didn't; overwhelmed that He cares enough to want me to stretch and grow; overwhelmed by His love-His grace-His forgiveness-His calling; overwhelmed by the truths God is revealing to me and the lies they are replacing...I'm simply overwhelmed.

Pressed but not crushed

2008-08-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

Recently we sang "Trading My Sorrows" at our worship services at CVC, and Pastor Mark reminded us of the lyrics in the song...really read them to us from scripture and brought them back to life for me. I came across this verse in Isaiah today (posted here today) which again reminded me of the lyrics of this song. I'm taking it as a 'hint' from God to pay attention.

I wouldn't say I have a crushed spirit, but it has been pressed pretty heavily lately, and I definitely could use some of God's courage- so I'm claiming Isaiah 57:15 today. It's hard to come out and admit sometimes that we're struggling- okay, it's hard for ME to come out and admit it. I want to be all things to all people- and do those 'all things' with perfection. Notice I said 'perfection' and not my best- pretty sure that's where my 'pressing' starts. I know with my whole being that I will never be perfect- yet that is what I strive for. I love how our leadership staff at CVC talks about excellence, not perfection, and I'm trying to grasp that concept. If I could be all things that GOD wants me to be to all the people that HE wants me to be with EXCELLENCE... maybe then I wouldn't feel so pressed. God doesn't ask me to be perfect- in fact He's pretty clear I won't be- ever. God asks me to be open to be who and what He created me to be, when He asks, with all that I have- and He will give me everything else I may need to accomplish the task(s) that He's called me to.

So I'm praying "bring it on". I'm stepping out and offering to do things I'm nervous and afraid to do: from hidden talents to secret passions to baby steps in dealing with hurts and hangups from a LONG time ago. Yeah, I'm feeling a little pressed... but I am NOT crushed... persecuted, but NOT abandoned... struck down, but NOT destroyed... and I'm calling on God to give me His courage and His joy and His strength to get me through until morning...

Goodbye is never easy...

2008-08-17T19:24:00.001-07:00

I've just spent 4 full incredible days with my best friend Kristi in Iowa. Lots of food and shopping and laughs...and now lots of tears as I get ready to head home. I had to laugh through my tears when I read my email from Air 1 with their verse for today. It's Hebrews 10:25, which I've posted on my page and talks about meeting together. What's funny is - that verse is why Friendship Community Church (where I previously attended and was a leader at while living in Iowa) meets at 10:25 every Sunday morning. God is SO in the details... I was reminded of so many things while here in Iowa... I was reminded how much I love my family in Nevada, how I appreciate my husband and the boys for stepping up and letting me sneak away, and I miss them terribly and can't wait for hugs from all three. I was also reminded of where God brought our family five years ago, and the multitude of prayers that He answered during that time of moving and while we lived in Sioux City, IA. I was reminded that time changes some relationships, and that it's okay to move on. But most of all- I was reminded of the special friendships God allows us to have with people, even if only for a brief time, and how He places people in our lives to draw us closer to Him while we also draw closer to each other. I've been blessed in my lifetime with dear friends who follow Christ and have helped me stay focused on Him and lean on Him when it was really hard... Friends who have seen the 'real me' that Natalie Grant sings about- and they love me anyway. Friends who have accepted me where I am, with no expectations or agendas of what I can do for them. Friends who can finish my sentences and know my thoughts, who have the same struggles and have different struggles. And best of all, friends who like to SHOP!!! So as I sit here and type through what my friend Sunny calls an "ugly cry" (yeah- the kind with sobs and chokes and snot)- I thank God for those friends. I thank God that I hurt so deeply that I break down into an "ugly cry". I thank God for the effort my friends put into our relationships, and for the faith we share in Christ. I thank God for girlfriends...even if we live far away and can only see each other once or twice a year. The tears and heartache are worth it...because I can call you my friend!!

My Brain Hurts

2008-08-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday and Friday a group of leaders from CVC went to the Willow Creek Summit via satellite in Reno, NV. I'll be honest; I went with very low expectations. I've been to seminars and summits where they get you all fired up about how to do ministry and how to be and do whatever the speaker is hyped up about at the moment... Now, I've learned a lot and have always tried to take something away...but I'm not in the mood to waste my time talking about ministry... I want to get in the trenches and DO ministry- not church.

Well, the bar was set pretty low, but I was completely overwhelmed by most of the speakers and the entire conference last week- I'm still digesting and processing and writing and trying to figure out what God was saying to me through all of it. And I will probably devote a few more posts to various topics that stem from the conference.

Pastor John asked us today at staff what we took away from the conference. And though I am totally an extrovert who loves to speak in front of people and share the spotlight- I didn't speak up today...so I'm speaking up here. God DID speak to me at the conference. But one of the biggest things He said to me, I'm not sure I'm totally excited about. At the end of the conference, Bill Hybels did a final 'talk' that not only pierced my heart, but spoke to my soul.
It turned my head upside down, and I'm still grappling to find all the pieces to put it together again. Hybels had done an extensive study on Mother Theresa- who is inspiring, yes, but I never knew what a true woman of God she was. But even more than that was how LONG Mother Theresa had to wait before she was 'allowed' to pursue her ministry... Mother Theresa- she had to WAIT to do ministry?!?! How wacked out is that? But God whispered to me, "Be still...and know." I'm on the starting line with my feet in the blocks, chomping at the bit to DO ministry... But God is telling me to wait... I don't know why or for what, but I'm being obedient... Some leaders want a bigger 'deal' more than they want more of God in their lives...and I don't want to be one of those leaders.

It comes down to what Bill Hybels called 'cart-blanche yieldedness'. I'm there... And though I'm not writing letters to the Pope so I can minister to people, I am petitioning God. "Speak to me God...I will refuse You nothing." (Mother Theresa) I am honored and ecstatic that God would notice me, and I pray for Him to use me as HE wants to use me and where HE wants to use me and when HE wants to me. I want to love God as He's never been loved before, and serve Him as He's never been served before, to worship Him at that same level... If I were God for a day, would I pick ME for leadership???

It's NOT fair...

2008-08-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

I remind my boys often, that life isn't fair. I can still hear my own mom telling me that life isn't fair. And you know what? Life ISN'T fair. Yet lately, I find myself surprised that it isn't... I can deal with life not being fair and things being thrown at me that teach me lessons or make me a stronger or better person. I can swallow that this 'unfairness' builds character and that life isn't all about ME. I can even accept that life can't always be a bed of roses- how would we know how good it is if we didn't have some thorns along the way. Here's the deal- when the things that are unfair in MY life make things in other people's lives unfair, I find myself whining that 'it's not fair'! Why should my hurts and hangups cause someone else's unfairness in their life? Why should my experiences that I'd soon forget create situations in other people's lives that to me seem 'unfair'. But that's where I stop and realize that I'm making it all about ME in my attempt to make it about someone else. Let's turn the tables... Who am I to question what God uses to teach me or anyone else how to be a better person? Who am I to question the experiences in my life that He uses to draw myself or others to Him? Who am I to believe that God couldn't use whatever He wanted to bring about His perfect will? So I've come full circle in my whinings... Life isn't fair, for me or anyone else. But I serve a God who wants me to come to Him with my 'unfairities' of life, as well as my good times, and listen to what He's whispering and see what He's showing me, and learn what He's teaching me...so I can become who He created me to be, whether it's fair or not... I have to wonder if God looks at us and just shakes His head and thinks "it's not fair"!! :)

But I didn't ask for patience...

2008-08-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's a standing joke to not ask God for patience because He'll give it to you by filling your life with situations and circumstances that demand just that...patience. I didn't ask God for patience, but lately, He's been telling me to slow down and wait. Wait for what?- that's the question. And every time I think about asking it, I'm reminded of the verse in Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God."

Being still is actually very difficult for someone like me. I'm a 'doer' and like to fill my day with to-do lists to check off; I almost feel guilty if I'm not doing. But this verse is pretty clear- be still. Not be busy doing and know that I am God. I was reminded tonight in Pastor Craig's message that sometimes being so busy with the doing, we kind of forget about God. Not forget like there isn't a G0d, but forget like we're so busy and things are so good that we simply don't make time for Him. Craig said it best when he said that God whispers to us in the good times and shouts in the bad. When things are good and all of life seems to be smooth sailing, I can check off my lists and keep busy 'doing' and put God so far down my list that I can't even hear the whispers. But when life gets rough or a situation comes up that I'm not ready for, I run immediately to Him and cry out for His comfort and help- and I hear Him loud and clear.

So right now I'm trying to listen...not that life is bad right now, but I'm hearing Him loud and clear, and have been for a few months now. "Be still, and know that I am God." I didn't pray for patience, but instead of 'doing' I'm earnestly trying to be 'stilling'...only God knows for how long...knowing that He is God... and be still...and wait...and be still...and wait...and be still some more...

The Poser...

2008-07-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

I saw a t-shirt today that said, "Satan is a poser." I laughed to myself and thought, "You've got that right." But the phrase has been playing in the back of my mind all afternoon... Satan is such a poser. I started thinking about the different ways he's 'posed' in my life, and thought I'd share a few.

Our house in Iowa was an OLD house- built in the early 1900's so it had a lot of character and some minor issues. One of those issues was the cracks that would mysteriously appear on walls or ceilings. They drove Charlie nuts- I mean really drove him nuts. (He'd agree with me, too.) One afternoon at our small group we were talking about the 'poses' satan takes in our lives that we allow to get to us- and we both realized that these cracks in our walls and ceiling were simply the enemy 'posing' to get at Charlie. (Now we didn't use the word 'poser', but that's basically what we were getting at.) After that, whenever we'd see a crack we'd laugh to ourselves and Charlie'd make faces back at the cracks and tell satan he wasn't going to get to him this time!

The biggest 'pose' the enemy takes in my life right now is the lie that God's done with me and there's no fixing any of the 'things' in my life that need to be fixed, especially those things that I didn't even know were broken. Whatever!! The verse I've posted today is from Matthew 14:38 reminding me to watch and pray so that I don't give in to temptation (which is an old Twila Paris song- and I'll admit here that I was once a Twila fan!). For me it isn't always the temptation, but the 'habit' that trips me up: how I deal with stress, how I deal with uncomfortable situations, how I hate confrontation, the desire to please everybody-including God, and even how I pack (and stuff) things into neat little 'pink' suitcases... The 'poser' knows exactly how to 'tempt' me, and I revert to old habits and behaviors that I'm discovering aren't the way God wants me to react. If it were only so easy to make faces at the 'cracks' in my life (not on the wall) and tell satan that he's not getting to me this time... I think I'm going to try, though, and when I start to feel myself going 'there', I'll stop and think about this t-shirt.

Satan is such a poser, but God is NOT. He never fails, always endures, and keeps His promises. And one of those promises is that he's not done with me yet- I'm still a princess in progress, and I think I'm going shopping for a new shirt!

Happy Birthday, Cade!

2008-07-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right, two birthdays in two days. I was realizing that I don't have enough time to 'grieve' one of my boys growing up before the other one turns another year older...On the other hand, though, it's a week of celebration and fun and cake and presents!! Today my Cade is 10 years old. He loves it when I talk about the day he was born. We had to cancel Brandon's birthday party because I was in the hospital. After he was born and all the family had come and gone, Cade snuggled tightly in my arms and we watched Tiger Woods playing in some major golf tournament on TV. He told me yesterday that he probably had his eyes closed and wasn't really watching Tiger, which is true, but we still love to talk about those snapshots. I've posted the life verse I chose for Cade before he was born which is Philippians 2:4-16. He is definitely my shining star who adds sparkle to my life and to the lives of those around him. When he giggles he makes my heart laugh, and he always knows how to add a smile to my face. But what I find most inspiring about my youngest son is his heart. We joke that he would give his shirt off his back if someone needed it, but he seriously would. At times he can be emotional, but I'm starting to see that he is simply a "pure, child of God...in a crooked and depraved generation...." When we moved from Iowa to Nevada it became so clear to me what a friend he was to so many kids at his old school- he was everyone's friend. God will continue to use him, I know, as he daily inspires me to be a better person. My Cade is just shining like the star that he is, adding sparkle wherever he goes. Happy Birthday Superstar!!

Happy Birthday, Brandon!

2008-07-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

My oldest son is 13 today! Wow- 13! So many things come to mind now that I officially have a teenager. Yes, there is some fear and trepidation, but I'm excited for this next journey...at least I think I am! Oh I remember the day he was born, his first word being "ball" and not mom (which should've been a sign of the basketball player to come), learning to ride a bike, first day of school, etc, etc. But what I cling to most when I look back at the motion-picture-turned-snapshots (thanks Pastor John for putting that into words!), is the 'light of my life' that Brandon is and the 'light of the world' that I pray he is becoming. Before he was born, we knew we were having a boy and had already chosen his name: Brandon- which means beacon light. I also chose a 'life verse' for him that I could give as a promise from God. (I've posted it in 'my favorite verse for today', and it's Matthew 5:14-16.) It's crazy how everything comes together like his name meaning 'beacon light' and his verse about being a 'light of the world'. But is it really that crazy when we stop to think about our God?? He IS in the details, even the details we don't think are important like a life verse or a name. Brandon is a leader. He succeeds in ways I never dreamed and 'shines' in ways I could never have imagined. My Big B is 13 today, and I am so proud of who he is and excited to see who he becomes. Shine your light, Brandon, as only you can and let God shine through you in everything you do! Happy Birthday!

Whatever You're Doing...

2008-07-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

I love music! And I love the lyrics to songs that say exactly what I want to say. A friend gave me a CD last week with a song on it that she really liked, and I totally forgot about it until today. I pulled it out of my bag on the drive home from work and listened to it. I've heard this song before on the radio, and it's not one that musically has really caught my attention. But being alone in my car, these words grabbed me and I wanted to post them - because these words speak to exactly where I am...in this moment... God's doing something bigger than me, and I just need to daily surrender and let 'chaos' begin.

The song is by Sanctus Real, and it's called "Whatever You're Doing"

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is You want from me I give everything – I surrender

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Tested Faith...

2008-07-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with some random thoughts. I also woke up with this urgency in my spirit to share what I was thinking with other people. Now, I love it when the Spirit works like that...when there's that burning in my chest to do or say something, and I KNOW that it's from God. But I also struggle with it... What will the other person think? Is it really God? Last week I had a similar situation during a prayer time. As a group of us were praying together out loud, I felt the Spirit leading me to pray about a certain area- not an easy area, but something that could be convicting...so I sat there praying in my head with my heart ready to explode out of my chest. Yeah, pretty sure that was the Spirit, and not just me. Still, it took some time before I got the courage to open my mouth...and let the Spirit truly do the talking. And this morning, after struggling with 'is it me or Him' I stepped out in faith and shared what the Spirit was leading me to share. I guess my faith was being tested , but I'm holding on to the promise that my endurance will grow. Oh yeah, and the endorphines after doing what the Spirit leads...wow!

Rediscovery

2008-07-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of rediscovering so many things right now: my identity in Christ, my perception of God, my role in ministry, my life as it is in Nevada... It's an exciting and exhausting journey that is both fun and challenging at the same time. As I've begun the process of unpacking past hurts, I'm redefining and re-examining a multitude of things that I've perceived as reality for many, many years. I won't lie: it's hard work, and I have a long way to go, but I'll tell you that the little bitty rewards I've felt and experienced thus far are making it so worth it.

You see, there's this past that has molded who I am, a present that is morphing that mold, and a future that holds I don't even know what sort of contortions. But that's the exciting part: God isn't finished with me, yet. In those dark corners of the past when I thought he wasn't there or didn't care (or didn't even know about- who am I kidding- it's GOD we're talking about)- He's actually using that, years later, to morph the present 'me'. And in the present situation of new job, new home, new life in a new state- He's using people and situations to change my perception of who I thought He was and what He wanted. It's even changing what I want, and how I want to see God.

And really, isn't that what this journey is all about? I pray I never get to the point where I think I've got it all figured out. I pray that I have real friends I can trust who are willing to wound me, as it says in Proverbs 27:6, in order to help me grow. I pray that I never stop pressing in to Christ and claiming His promises for my life. And though the hurts really HURT sometimes (and the past can really suck it up big time), I pray I never forget the thorns in my life or the nails in His hands that gave me life...whatever that life He has for me may be.

Rollercoasters...

2008-07-05T17:15:00.001-07:00

I LOVE riding rollercoasters. I love the spins and flips and loop-de-loops and spirals and sharp turns and...you get the idea. We just got back from Six Flags in Vallejo, CA, and had a blast. No phones or computers - just the four of us hanging out in an amusement park rushing from ride to ride and taking in a few shows. It just felt good to be a family.

We rode almost all of the rides, too. I have to laugh because one of my boys' favorite rides actually makes me nauseous. It's a giant circle where everyone sits facing inward and while it spins in circles it also swings like a giant pendulum back and forth. That whole sea-sick motion gets me everytime. (I can't do the Teacups at Disneyland either.) But give me a rollercoaster, and I'm game.

It was most fun to watch my almost-teenage-son Brandon work up the nerve to get right on and ride the thrill rides. He's a lot like his mother and likes to know what's coming, and it's a bit intimidating for him to get on a new ride- even though he KNOWS he's gonna love it and want to ride it over and over, there's still that twinge of anxiety. He got freaked out when we got onto Kong, but he hung in there and tried it, and ended up riding it multiple times. We like to sit in different areas of the rollercoasters so we can figure out where the ride is best: front, middle, back. Kong was definitely best in the middle! Medussa didn't have a bad seat- and that's our new favorite, too! I lost track how many times we rode that one after 6!

Cade was a bit more timid this time and didn't venture onto those bigger faster rollercoasters. He's ridden some before, but not this time. He told me maybe next year when he's older. No worries. Our goal was to hang out as a family and have a good time- which we did! We even saw some dolphins and a killer whale, and Cade got to go up and pet a sea lion. Memories that will last a long time.

And for me, that's what summer vacations and breaks are for- making those summer memories that we can talk about and laugh about for years to come! We also got to go boating and watch the Hilton's (yes, that would be Paris Hilton's family) shoot off fireworks from their island. A very memorable 4th for us all. A chance to not be at work and away from the daily norm and do something different. I pray you get a chance to make summer memories, too...

Watering the grass...

2008-06-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend at our worship services at CVC, Pastor John said something that I just loved: "The grass isn't greener on the other side. The grass is greener where it's being watered..." Now his series of talks have been on marriage and relationships, and he was talking about people thinking other marriages or spouses look 'greener'; but I really took this to heart. What are the other areas in my life that I think aren't so hot, and am I watering those??

I could easily see it being applied to my kids. When they misbehave or act out and I wish for someone else's children or someone else's parenting techniques (Super Nanny where are you?), have I been putting effort into training them up? Can I honestly say that I've been the mom that God has called me to be, or am I just cruising through life hoping they'll just know how I want them to behave?

What about my home? Or my job? Or even the relationships I have with other people? Am I putting water on the grass, or am I hoping that somehow everything will just work out and everything won't die?! Being new to a community is difficult. Trying to fit in and find 'my place' at church, at work, or with people. But if I don't step out and make an effort (aka: water the grass) then how do I expect anything to happen? If the grass around me gets all brown and starts dying- what good has that done me, or anyone else?

I'm not saying it's easy: kids, jobs, marriage, moving, fitting in, getting involved, relationships. But instead of looking around and wishing for this or that, or asking God to change this or that- maybe I should start the sprinklers and water the grass around me; take some baby steps and put an honest effort into those areas of my life that may be looking a little dry... (And I can't resist this- the sprinkler I would use is those ones the kids love with all those flailing arms that spray in all different directions at random intervals...)

I could go on and on with this analogy...like saying too much water isn't good either... But for now I'll just stick with watering my own yard and enjoying the grass I've been given.

Would I? Would you?

2008-06-26T16:10:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine posed an interesting question today: Would she be able to wash someone's feet? At first I balked at the question. Then I thought, "Of course I would..." But as our discussion continued, I did have to stop and think. Would I? Would you?

In the literal sense of foot washing, I think I could and would do it if it was the expectation. I have to be honest, though, I don't like feet. Okay, newborn baby feet are sweet- but other than that, feet gross me out. I don't even like my own, though I put hours into pedicures and polish- feet are feet. They get me from here to there, often in totally hip and stylish (not so comfortable) shoes, but they serve an important purpose. Back in Jesus' day, though, they didn't have the same designers, and shoes weren't as they are today- so feet then got VERY DIRTY. But could I wash someone's feet... better yet, could I dry their feet with my hair and wash them with my tears...

But the whole conversation got my brain swimming with thoughts of what foot washing would be comparable to in today's world. Cleaning toilets? I'd love to have someone clean my toilets, and I'll wash my own feet... I can't really nail down what would be more humbling than washing someone's feet, even in today's world. Maybe I can draw the parallel of a true servant's heart that steps in and performs a true act of service that everyone takes for granted and may even be embarrassed by, but aren't willing to do themselves... Or is it more about the attitude than the actual act itself? Would I wash one person's feet but not another's? Serve one person but not another?

Maybe I'm making too much of it... We don't wash each other's feet in today's world- (in fact we pay people to wash our feet). It is an intriguing question... Would I wash someone's feet? Would you?

Just keep swimming...

2008-06-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

I love the moving Finding Nemo. Maybe it's the mother in me that believes I, too, would swim the deepest oceans to find my boys... I don't know, but I do know that I love the movie. Recently, I shared one of my favorite scenes from the movie with some very dear friends, and now I want to share it here...

I love the character Dory in the movie: the crazy blue and yellow fish who just goes about her business. For me, though, one of Dory's lines in the movie has become a sort of 'mantra' for me. Do you remember the scene where she meets Nemo's father and is singing, "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming..."? I have claimed that line in my life many times over, though often changing it up a bit to fit the current situationI find myself in. I've had to tell myself to just keep swimming...just keep singing...just keep praying...just keep serving...just keep obeying...just keep loving... You get the idea.

I believe there are times we have to 'just keep doing' whatever it is we're doing until God tells us otherwise. God doesn't promise that life will be easy or that we'll never have to endure situations or circumstances that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to just keep on going or doing until God moves us or changes our surroundings. I find myself in a 'just keep doing' time in my life right now. I know where I've been, what I've done, what I've accomplished, but right now I'm supposed to be doing and being just what I am and not look too far ahead or plan too far out. For me, it's 'just keep swimming' or 'just keep waiting' until the ocean current changes.

These dear friends I mentioned earlier felt that God was telling them to be obedient and to 'just keep swimming'; and that is exactly what they did. Their faithfulness allowed God to bless them in a way that we had all hoped and prayed for. And their example by being obedient and patient has been a blessing to many people who've been watching, waiting, and swimming right alongside them.

So, what's your 'just keep...'??? I'd love to hear your own Dory story.

Secrets

2008-06-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Paul Tornier writes, "Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."

I nearly had an epiphany when I read that. All my talk of luggage and yellow suitcases and truth simply comes down to one thing: secrets. I know there are supposedly good secrets and bad secrets, but the truth of the matter is that a secret must be kept just that...secret. You can't share it with just anyone, and often times you can't share it with anyone. And then there are those secrets we choose to keep; perhaps for good reason, but the more the secret becomes secret, the more lonely we become. And thus, the luggage begins to collect.

I opened my suitcase of secrets this week. It was HARD. I almost slammed it shut multiple times, but I felt God telling me it was time. I took a baby step of faith and opened it up just for a peek... Then another baby step, and I showed someone else a peek at what's inside... You know what? They didn't laugh or gasp or tell me to put it away... They told me I was taking a huge leap of faith and that God would bless me for it. Today someone asked me if they could see, and I showed him a peek at my suitcase of secrets. You know what? He didn't laugh or gasp either. He encouraged me even more.

The enemy has kept many of us bound by our fears and our secrets. He wants us to be lonely and afraid. He lies by telling us that other people won't understand or will laugh or won't accept you because of your secrets. He lies again and again until we start to believe him and begin packing our own baggage that we carry wherever we go. I'm done with trying to lose my luggage and pretending it's not mine. I'm done carrying it around and having to pay for it every time I go somewhere... I'm taking baby steps and unpacking things that should have been put away a long time ago. You know what? I don't feel so lonely anymore... What about you?

The little yellow suitcase...

2008-06-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the Expedia.com commercials where the little yellow suitcase pops up with vacation spots and prices on it? I have one of those suitcases (as mentioned in a previous blog: You Talking to Me) that keeps popping up. I keep telling myself the contents look much better inside that little suitcase then spued all over the road, but today I came to the reality that sometimes we need to unpack the suitcase.
Our weekly worship time at CVC is incredible. No matter how planned or how spontaneous, God speaks and uses the opportunity to stir in my heart. This week felt a bit more spontaneous, but no matter how unplanned- God had it ALL planned out. One of our Youth Leaders was asked to lead us in worship, which was awesome- one of my favorite songs, Give Us Clean Hands; but what she shared dropped that little yellow suitcase almost in my lap. She read from Ecclesiastes. I've posted one of the passages on my blog, Ecc. 10:8-10. That was the beginning of God moving in my heart...
I've carried this suitcase with me since I was young. I've set it out and stood to open it on occasion, and may have peeked inside once or twice only to sit on it, slam it shut, and stuff everything back inside before anyone else could see. People have asked about my suitcase, not knowing what's inside, and I've managed to convince them it's just an attractive accessory that I want to carry around with me everywhere. I've stuffed it deep in my closet, left it out in the rain, but it always pops back up... (Can't you hear the song: Expedia...dot com...) It's sorta' like that for me.
The verses in Ecclesiastes convicted me that I'm AFRAID to dig a pit, or break through a wall, or quarry stones, or split logs... I'm AFRAID that I may fall in, find a snake, get injured, or become endangered. I'm AFRAID to admit my ax may be dull and AFRAID my srength or skill won't be enough to bring success. But our God is NOT a God of fear... 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Being AFRAID is not of God. Secondly, my strength and skills are NOT enough. Philippians 4:13 reminds us, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." And in chapter 2 verse 13 it says, "...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
So the question came up today- what's holding me back; what's holding any of us back? Why the packed little yellow suitcase? Is it fear? A fear of what? When I look to His word, I see no justifiable reason to fear. I need to dig the pit, break some walls, quarry some stones, and maybe even split some logs... And I may fall in, get bitten by a snake, be injured or endangered. And my ax is probably dull and unsharpened meaning I need more strength...but skill will bring success. What skill, you ask? The skill I have to turn to God, to trust Him, to fall and let Him pick me up...to get bitten or injured and let Him heal my wounds. Not stuff them in a little yellow suitcase and carry it around, hiding what's inside and denying Him the opportunity to take the contents- He already knows what they are anyway- and to truly work in my life.
I've packed the suitcase again, nice and neat. I've picked it up...but this time I'm taking steps to empty it... To open it up and let Him see what he already knows is there, to let Him unpack it, to let Him heal the hurts and pull me out of the pit I've fallen into. I think it's time for a vacation... Expedia...dot com... (But maybe I can have a pink suitcase!)