I found myself in a familiar place...not wanting to journal, not able to enter into worship, praying for other people, not able to look in a mirror, avoiding real conversations, hiding from people who see me... Frustrated barely scratches the surface of how I've been feeling. So I came home last night, got out my journal and tried to write... The words weren't making sense, and I couldn't form a coherent sentence or thought, when a scripture popped into my head about being 'lukewarm'. This is where I landed...
Revelation 3:15-20 (The Message)
I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, 'I'm rich, I've got it made, I need nothing from anyone,' oblivious that in fact you're a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless.
Here's what I want you to do: Buy your gold from me, gold that's been through the refiner's fire. Then you'll be rich. Buy your clothes from me, clothes designed in Heaven. You've gone around half-naked long enough. And buy medicine for your eyes from me so you can see, really see.The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they'll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!
Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I'll come right in and sit down to supper with you.
Reading these words pierced my heart... I have become lukewarm and stale. I don't want of anything from anyone...oblivious that I am a pitiful homeless beggar. I began sobbing and crying out to God, "Where are You? Why am I still sitting in this mess? Why have I not seen change in my life? Why am I not becoming the woman of God You have created me to be? Why am I so selfish? Where are You, God? Why can't I hear Your voice?"
I poured it all out...again. Begged forgiveness...again. Admitted to my hurts...again. Came out of the corner...again. Pleaded with God to continue His work in me...again. And I waited...
A picture came to me. A picture of the man from this joke who is begging God to rescue him...but can't see that God is right there in front of him, time and time and time again. And before I could argue, I saw the people in my life that God is using to speak His truth...the people He is using to show how He pursues me... the people I push away, because it doesn't look or feel the way I have imagined it. I am on that mountainside, hanging on for dear life, crying out to God to rescue me, to change me...but I'm waiting for it to happen on my terms. Ironically, I'm not sure I really know what I want it to look like exactly... The arguments in my head are usually, "Not now. Not here. I can't possibly ask him/her. He/she will think I'm stupid. That's for someone else..." And I continue waiting... I'm reminded, though, that God is standing right there... right here...waiting for me to invite Him in...waiting to give me the medicine for my eyes so I can really see...waiting for me...
2 comments:
I have truly come to love and cherish our time together! The talks, the coffee, the talks...but honestly Ive always felt there was something missing from them. Something with depth and purpose. Its great that we have each other and we seem to have so much in common. But I wonder sometimes if we are not just enabling each other to NOT talk about bigger more important things with each other? I always assumed that you were fine, you had all those OTHER people you were talking to about the big stuff. I think I was also afraid to allow you to hold me accountable for my stuff. Our friendship is valuable to me! I see you as a sister following along on a similar path and season of life. Maybe its time to talk about the hard stuff?? You can ask me....you can bother me....Im not perfect either, but I can listen! Call me!
Wow, you've just described me!! I feel like everyone around me has it together and ask myself where have I gone wrong? What am I not doing? Thank you for saying the words I could not find and letting me know that I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing and being open. Through your words, God gave me a
V8 slap to the head.
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