More Homework...

I was given an assignment this week- to 'research' and define the relationship that God longs to have with me. I know it's not an easy assignment, especially for me- and I told the 'assigner' that, too. She smiled and agreed, knowingly, that it won't be easy. I'm frustrated because in my mind, I think it SHOULD be easy... I've known God since I was little, have read the Bible through and through, have prayed and sought after His plan and His calling on my life, have served in a variety of ministries, etc, etc. It all looks good on paper and sounds good in a testimony, but the truth is- I KNOW that I don't have the relationship with God that HE longs for us to have. But I'm comfortable with the way things are... As much as I like to shake things up and am an advocate for change when it's needed, I'm unsure about the changes that God is calling me to. I've had MY idea of what my relationship with God should look and feel like- I'm good with that. People talk about curling up in God's lap with His arms wrapped around them comforting them, carrying them... I'm more of a sit next to Him on the couch kind of girl. Keep Him close enough, but not too close. I know in my heart that the relationship I have with God is real, is good, but it's NOT His best for me...and that's hard to swallow. All these years that I've cried out to Him and sought after Him, I've really only let Him in so far before I've held up my hands and said, "That's close enough." I won't go into details as to the 'whys' of it all, but there are trust issues, control issues, fear issues...and God is choosing now to draw those out of me...to draw me closer to Him than I've ever been... So, it's time for a research project that will ultimately be life changing, if I let it. It's time to put the guard down and trust like I've never trusted, to give up control of things I've never given up, to feel things I've kept stuffed way down, to admit to things I've been afraid to admit... I need God more than I've allowed myself to need Him, and I do long to know His BEST for me- so here I go to find out what that BEST looks and feels like, and hopefully earn an 'A'!! :)