One of my favorite worship songs is "Hosanna". A few weeks ago, as I was rehearsing it, the words "break my heart for what breaks Yours" really stuck with me. I prayed a prayer that God would break my heart for the things that break His, that He would make me sensitive to the things around me, that He would take the veil from my eyes and let me see what He sees. Being on a journey of rediscovering my own feelings and emotions, I thought it might be easier to experience feelings towards others first.
After about a week, I was driving home on a grey Monday afternoon and my heart just felt heavy. I literally could feel my shoulders sagging, my head hanging, and I felt as grey as the sky. As I opened my mouth to ask God why I felt so down, He answered before I could speak. He had answered my prayer...and though I hadn't consciously seen the hurt and pain around me, He had opened my eyes; and subconsciously, I was aching inside. Throughout the week, He had shown me others' pain and brokenness; and He had revealed a small glimpse of HIS hurt over these same situations. Divorce, death, abandonment, loss, frustration, shame, lies, denial, fear... A myriad of circumstances and situations that send us running, crying, searching for answers...and He was there in it all.
I felt rather convicted because tho I had asked God to break my heart, I realized that I was still seeing and feeling through a window. I was keeping it all at arms' length, outside of me, so that it wouldn't be 'real'. I was again living in denial of truth and reality-even when I'd asked for it, and when the reality and truth weren't even my own. I cried out to God...not only to seek forgiveness, but to ask for more. I triple-dog-dared myself to go deeper... I wrote in my journal: "I can feel my heart breaking...and I know it's nothing compared to Yours. I know it's only the tip of the iceberg-and I hardly feel anything...Dare I ask for more? Dare I seek more of You? Dare I ask to see more, feel more, to let go of more? I do dare, God. I want ALL that You have for me...even when it breaks my heart..."
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Broken hearted...
One of my favorite worship songs is "Hosanna". A few weeks ago, as I was rehearsing it, the words "break my heart for what breaks Yours" really stuck with me. I prayed a prayer that God would break my heart for the things that break His, that He would make me sensitive to the things around me, that He would take the veil from my eyes and let me see what He sees. Being on a journey of rediscovering my own feelings and emotions, I thought it might be easier to experience feelings towards others first.
After about a week, I was driving home on a grey Monday afternoon and my heart just felt heavy. I literally could feel my shoulders sagging, my head hanging, and I felt as grey as the sky. As I opened my mouth to ask God why I felt so down, He answered before I could speak. He had answered my prayer...and though I hadn't consciously seen the hurt and pain around me, He had opened my eyes; and subconsciously, I was aching inside. Throughout the week, He had shown me others' pain and brokenness; and He had revealed a small glimpse of HIS hurt over these same situations. Divorce, death, abandonment, loss, frustration, shame, lies, denial, fear... A myriad of circumstances and situations that send us running, crying, searching for answers...and He was there in it all.
I felt rather convicted because tho I had asked God to break my heart, I realized that I was still seeing and feeling through a window. I was keeping it all at arms' length, outside of me, so that it wouldn't be 'real'. I was again living in denial of truth and reality-even when I'd asked for it, and when the reality and truth weren't even my own. I cried out to God...not only to seek forgiveness, but to ask for more. I triple-dog-dared myself to go deeper... I wrote in my journal: "I can feel my heart breaking...and I know it's nothing compared to Yours. I know it's only the tip of the iceberg-and I hardly feel anything...Dare I ask for more? Dare I seek more of You? Dare I ask to see more, feel more, to let go of more? I do dare, God. I want ALL that You have for me...even when it breaks my heart..."
After about a week, I was driving home on a grey Monday afternoon and my heart just felt heavy. I literally could feel my shoulders sagging, my head hanging, and I felt as grey as the sky. As I opened my mouth to ask God why I felt so down, He answered before I could speak. He had answered my prayer...and though I hadn't consciously seen the hurt and pain around me, He had opened my eyes; and subconsciously, I was aching inside. Throughout the week, He had shown me others' pain and brokenness; and He had revealed a small glimpse of HIS hurt over these same situations. Divorce, death, abandonment, loss, frustration, shame, lies, denial, fear... A myriad of circumstances and situations that send us running, crying, searching for answers...and He was there in it all.
I felt rather convicted because tho I had asked God to break my heart, I realized that I was still seeing and feeling through a window. I was keeping it all at arms' length, outside of me, so that it wouldn't be 'real'. I was again living in denial of truth and reality-even when I'd asked for it, and when the reality and truth weren't even my own. I cried out to God...not only to seek forgiveness, but to ask for more. I triple-dog-dared myself to go deeper... I wrote in my journal: "I can feel my heart breaking...and I know it's nothing compared to Yours. I know it's only the tip of the iceberg-and I hardly feel anything...Dare I ask for more? Dare I seek more of You? Dare I ask to see more, feel more, to let go of more? I do dare, God. I want ALL that You have for me...even when it breaks my heart..."
2 comments on "Broken hearted..."
-
Wow! Talk about daring. I will pray that God will also lift you up with his mighty hands so that you can stand up with conviction under teh weight of such vision. God Bless you and your willingness to open up and understand his pains.
-
-
very cool. i wish i could write like this. another one of your many talents.God will show you when you least expect it :)
-
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Wow! Talk about daring. I will pray that God will also lift you up with his mighty hands so that you can stand up with conviction under teh weight of such vision. God Bless you and your willingness to open up and understand his pains.
very cool. i wish i could write like this. another one of your many talents.God will show you when you least expect it :)
Post a Comment