It's been a good two weeks of chaos and mayhem in my brain, and there aren't any signs that it's going to slow down...at least not for a while. On the one hand, I know it's a good thing (and a God thing) to be working things out in my mind, asking questions and seeking God's answers. On the other hand, I am completely exhausted and wiped out emotionally, spiritually, and at times physically.
I was in one of my 'pouting moods' the other night, and a precious friend (tho at the time, I'm not sure I thought of her as being very 'friend-ly') not-so-gently reminded me that no one else can walk this road for me. I have to choose to step out in faith, to ask for help, to make different choices. Only I can cry out to God for what breaks my heart and sends my mind into a tizzy. Other people can walk beside me, help me pick up the pieces, encourage me, point me in the right direction...but ultimately, the choice is mine.
I'd be lying if I said the light came on, I heard the angels sing, or I immediately made a change. I did take a couple baby steps of faith and obedience over the weekend, and I'm counting those as victories. But I find myself again today, not even a week later, right back in the middle of my pity-pouty party. I'm dragging my feet, rolling my eyes, filling my life with noise and clutter so I don't have to deal. You may think I'm wrestling with God, and in a way I am; but the truth of the matter is, in order to wrestle- I'd have to step into the ring. I don't like to fight, argue, or any other form of confrontation...So stepping into a wrestling match with God is not going to be found on any of my to-do lists! But quitting doesn't feel like the right option, either. My 'coping weapon' of choice is avoidance (denial, running away, stuffing, hiding...any of those will work). I find myself caught in quite the quandry..."Should I stay or should I go" - into the ring. I'm pretty sure I know what the 'right' answer is...but for now, I've pulled the covers over my head...and I'm NOT coming out anytime soon.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wrestling with God...
It's been a good two weeks of chaos and mayhem in my brain, and there aren't any signs that it's going to slow down...at least not for a while. On the one hand, I know it's a good thing (and a God thing) to be working things out in my mind, asking questions and seeking God's answers. On the other hand, I am completely exhausted and wiped out emotionally, spiritually, and at times physically.
I was in one of my 'pouting moods' the other night, and a precious friend (tho at the time, I'm not sure I thought of her as being very 'friend-ly') not-so-gently reminded me that no one else can walk this road for me. I have to choose to step out in faith, to ask for help, to make different choices. Only I can cry out to God for what breaks my heart and sends my mind into a tizzy. Other people can walk beside me, help me pick up the pieces, encourage me, point me in the right direction...but ultimately, the choice is mine.
I'd be lying if I said the light came on, I heard the angels sing, or I immediately made a change. I did take a couple baby steps of faith and obedience over the weekend, and I'm counting those as victories. But I find myself again today, not even a week later, right back in the middle of my pity-pouty party. I'm dragging my feet, rolling my eyes, filling my life with noise and clutter so I don't have to deal. You may think I'm wrestling with God, and in a way I am; but the truth of the matter is, in order to wrestle- I'd have to step into the ring. I don't like to fight, argue, or any other form of confrontation...So stepping into a wrestling match with God is not going to be found on any of my to-do lists! But quitting doesn't feel like the right option, either. My 'coping weapon' of choice is avoidance (denial, running away, stuffing, hiding...any of those will work). I find myself caught in quite the quandry..."Should I stay or should I go" - into the ring. I'm pretty sure I know what the 'right' answer is...but for now, I've pulled the covers over my head...and I'm NOT coming out anytime soon.
I was in one of my 'pouting moods' the other night, and a precious friend (tho at the time, I'm not sure I thought of her as being very 'friend-ly') not-so-gently reminded me that no one else can walk this road for me. I have to choose to step out in faith, to ask for help, to make different choices. Only I can cry out to God for what breaks my heart and sends my mind into a tizzy. Other people can walk beside me, help me pick up the pieces, encourage me, point me in the right direction...but ultimately, the choice is mine.
I'd be lying if I said the light came on, I heard the angels sing, or I immediately made a change. I did take a couple baby steps of faith and obedience over the weekend, and I'm counting those as victories. But I find myself again today, not even a week later, right back in the middle of my pity-pouty party. I'm dragging my feet, rolling my eyes, filling my life with noise and clutter so I don't have to deal. You may think I'm wrestling with God, and in a way I am; but the truth of the matter is, in order to wrestle- I'd have to step into the ring. I don't like to fight, argue, or any other form of confrontation...So stepping into a wrestling match with God is not going to be found on any of my to-do lists! But quitting doesn't feel like the right option, either. My 'coping weapon' of choice is avoidance (denial, running away, stuffing, hiding...any of those will work). I find myself caught in quite the quandry..."Should I stay or should I go" - into the ring. I'm pretty sure I know what the 'right' answer is...but for now, I've pulled the covers over my head...and I'm NOT coming out anytime soon.
1 comments on "Wrestling with God..."
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So it's not just me that does this? ;). I think of one of the most incredible things God allows us to experience is looking back at times like this and seeing His faithfulness in spite of our own "inflexibility" to what He is up to. Hang in there friend. He has a plan for you. And remember that you can wrestle with Him, but He always wins;)
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1 comment:
So it's not just me that does this? ;). I think of one of the most incredible things God allows us to experience is looking back at times like this and seeing His faithfulness in spite of our own "inflexibility" to what He is up to. Hang in there friend. He has a plan for you. And remember that you can wrestle with Him, but He always wins;)
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