It's been a weird, rough, crazy couple weeks... One minute I feel like I'm really making progress on this journey...the next, I feel like I'm drowning. I posted on Twitter the other day: "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...I really would like some dry land!" It's hard to really explain the struggles and frustrations...but suffice it to say the battle is within myself most of the time. Whether it's the battle of being good enough or not, to the fight for truth and reality in my life; the war that is raging is within myself. There have been a few moments this past week when someone outside of me has asked if I'm really okay. My first thought is, "Uh-oh...what did I do? What do they see?" Once I've taken that thought captive my thoughts turn to, "That means I'm being a little more transparent, right? This is a good thing, right?" After that, the argument begins, and I find myself at times consumed with right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or not, to call someone for counsel or not, etc, etc...until I'm too exhausted to think anymore. And I think, the not-thinking part, is a good thing.
I literally have made myself sick by over-thinking whether or not my struggle (at that moment) is worthy of seeking wise counsel. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit...but the old me still battles with the new me...and often I find myself almost paralyzed and doing nothing. This week, though, I did have a victory, and I made that call. What I expected was affirmation that what I was struggling with really wasn't that bad and didn't really require Godly counsel. (I could hear the phrase: 'Suck it up and deal with it!') What I got was affirmation that my struggle was my struggle, and it didn't matter what someone else was going through. My pain and frustration were mine...and valid. I still battled with minimizing my situation. There is a LOT of pain out there...pain I've never experienced or could imagine; pain that breaks my heart for others' lives. I was reminded that others' pain, however, does NOT negate my own pain...and that's a battle I've fought over most of my life.
I'm so thankful for Godly people in my life. People who aren't afraid to say the hard stuff, who aren't trying to get anything from me but only want what's best for me. My Godly counsel recommended I read Proverbs. I rolled my eyes and explained the book of Proverbs is often hard for me to understand, and I don't like feeling stupid. Again, I received encouragement instead of agreement, ('you are stupid')...and this is the daily verse I found in my email this morning: "My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course." Proverbs 23:19, NLT
That made me smile... Coincidence??? I think NOT!
Friday, August 13, 2010
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Friday, August 13, 2010
Proverbs 23:19
It's been a weird, rough, crazy couple weeks... One minute I feel like I'm really making progress on this journey...the next, I feel like I'm drowning. I posted on Twitter the other day: "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...I really would like some dry land!" It's hard to really explain the struggles and frustrations...but suffice it to say the battle is within myself most of the time. Whether it's the battle of being good enough or not, to the fight for truth and reality in my life; the war that is raging is within myself. There have been a few moments this past week when someone outside of me has asked if I'm really okay. My first thought is, "Uh-oh...what did I do? What do they see?" Once I've taken that thought captive my thoughts turn to, "That means I'm being a little more transparent, right? This is a good thing, right?" After that, the argument begins, and I find myself at times consumed with right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or not, to call someone for counsel or not, etc, etc...until I'm too exhausted to think anymore. And I think, the not-thinking part, is a good thing.
I literally have made myself sick by over-thinking whether or not my struggle (at that moment) is worthy of seeking wise counsel. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit...but the old me still battles with the new me...and often I find myself almost paralyzed and doing nothing. This week, though, I did have a victory, and I made that call. What I expected was affirmation that what I was struggling with really wasn't that bad and didn't really require Godly counsel. (I could hear the phrase: 'Suck it up and deal with it!') What I got was affirmation that my struggle was my struggle, and it didn't matter what someone else was going through. My pain and frustration were mine...and valid. I still battled with minimizing my situation. There is a LOT of pain out there...pain I've never experienced or could imagine; pain that breaks my heart for others' lives. I was reminded that others' pain, however, does NOT negate my own pain...and that's a battle I've fought over most of my life.
I'm so thankful for Godly people in my life. People who aren't afraid to say the hard stuff, who aren't trying to get anything from me but only want what's best for me. My Godly counsel recommended I read Proverbs. I rolled my eyes and explained the book of Proverbs is often hard for me to understand, and I don't like feeling stupid. Again, I received encouragement instead of agreement, ('you are stupid')...and this is the daily verse I found in my email this morning: "My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course." Proverbs 23:19, NLT
That made me smile... Coincidence??? I think NOT!
I literally have made myself sick by over-thinking whether or not my struggle (at that moment) is worthy of seeking wise counsel. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit...but the old me still battles with the new me...and often I find myself almost paralyzed and doing nothing. This week, though, I did have a victory, and I made that call. What I expected was affirmation that what I was struggling with really wasn't that bad and didn't really require Godly counsel. (I could hear the phrase: 'Suck it up and deal with it!') What I got was affirmation that my struggle was my struggle, and it didn't matter what someone else was going through. My pain and frustration were mine...and valid. I still battled with minimizing my situation. There is a LOT of pain out there...pain I've never experienced or could imagine; pain that breaks my heart for others' lives. I was reminded that others' pain, however, does NOT negate my own pain...and that's a battle I've fought over most of my life.
I'm so thankful for Godly people in my life. People who aren't afraid to say the hard stuff, who aren't trying to get anything from me but only want what's best for me. My Godly counsel recommended I read Proverbs. I rolled my eyes and explained the book of Proverbs is often hard for me to understand, and I don't like feeling stupid. Again, I received encouragement instead of agreement, ('you are stupid')...and this is the daily verse I found in my email this morning: "My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course." Proverbs 23:19, NLT
That made me smile... Coincidence??? I think NOT!
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