Stupid, mud, and afternoon atheletics

This blog was going to be titled, "Yes, I'm that Stupid." Then I thought about, "The Stupidest Things I've Done...Just This Week" or "Stupid is as Stupid Does." There were a few more, all with the same vibe; until, finally, I heard God's voice above the noise shout, "STOP IT!"

I wish I could tell you there was more. I wish I could say that God silenced the noise and made it all better. I wish I could say that at that moment I took all those negative thoughts and images captive and replaced them with God's promises and truth. I wish I could...but I can't.

Friday night I got lost, having misunderstood how someone had told me to get home. Sitting in the middle of nowhere (between S. Tahoe and Minden) I called my husband. Trying not to panic as a coyote walked in and out of the woods near my car, I tried to explain where I was. Now, as I think back over the incident, I see how gracious my husband was...how concerned he was about my safety (and my sanity). I can still hear the patience in his voice as he tried to figure out where I was. (Him: "Where are the mountains? Are they on your right or your left?" Me: "I am IN the mountains...they are all around me! What are you talking about?") I smile as I hear my 12 year-old talking to my hubby on the phone assuring him that I would be okay and that he would be able to console me and get me where we needed to go! I roll my eyes thinking of the panic in my voice telling my hubby there was a coyote...yes, outside my car...but have you seen the movie Cujo?! And we did make it home, a little later than anticipate, but safe. I wasn't that far off from where I should've been. Darkness, mountains, coyotes and all...it was an adventure none of us will soon forget.

There are a lot of analogies I could glean from this situation. A lot of life lessons that are represented from being lost in the mountains to someone hearing my cry for help and guiding me home. But I walked away with the realization of how stupid I am, and how much effort I put into making sure nobody knows just that! In my journal entry that evening I wrote: "I know I'm not stupid, but am actually afraid that what I think or feel or say will sound like I'm stupid...I'm exhausted fighting these thoughts, God...I need You to fight for me. I'm so tired. It'd be easier to just believe the lies and let the enemy win...I want to say leave me behind, don't fight for me, but I really want You to fight for me, to keep pursuing me."

A dear friend sent me a scripture on Saturday. Psalm 40:2, "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." I was in the muck and mire...the slimy pit of lies and deception. Today, I was reminded again about the battle we fight. Ephesians 6:12 (The Message) says: "This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish..."

So as I said earlier, I wish I could say I'm winning this fight and that it's all better. Truth is, it's not. This is war; and war isn't pretty or neatly wrapped up in a pink box with glitter and bows. (And you know I wish it was!) There are good days and bad...days where progress is made and ground is gained; and days when we must retreat and regroup. I'm hunkered down right now, replenishing my armor and letting God restore my heart. And reminding myself that I will make mistakes, make bad decisions and choices, even get lost...but I am NOT stupid! And the best news of all? We've already won the war!!